Okay, now we’re getting to the good stuff. Also, named characters that I know! Yay! This one is tough because I think it has the most remakes so there are like 7 different versions to look at. I’m going to go with the DS remake portraits shown on the character section of this website.
Cecil: I know we’ve discussed how much more I liked Dark Knight Cecil, and seeing them side-by-side only reaffirms my position. Paladin Cecil exposes his face, has silly shoulder horns, and this weird purple zebra motif going for him. Dark Knight Cecil may be plain, but he’s so much more intimidating.
Kain: My boy Kain over here doesn’t opt for the softer side of Sears and stays man-mode throughout the game. Dragoon is usually one of my favorite classes and Kain is representing them well here.
Rosa: If shoulder spikeys are silly on Paladin Cecil, then they’re doubly ridiculous on White Mage Rosa. It’s not terrible, but why is her crotch piece purple? I thought our attention was supposed to be on her bazongas. There’s too much distraction happening.
Rydia: I think Rydia’s revealing outfit is more scandalous since you met her as a little girl. It’s like losing touch with your daughter only to find out she grew up to be a stripper. Her shoulder-less top is either an ancestor or descendant of Quistis’ later look. Also, too much green. You’re not a thief, Rydia! Still, it has a Jennifer-Lopez-At-The Grammy’s appeal to it.
Edward: I take back my earlier claim that a feather can fix hats. No feather in the world could save this hat-disaster. It’s like a cross between fedora and bowler hat. Unacceptable. I won’t even look at the rest of his outfit.
Edge: I guess a ninja needs freedom of arm movement, but I think he has more exposed back than necessary. Still, he’s rocking the bandana in proper face-concealing fashion and looks fine for the most part.
Yang: Here is where the wheels start coming off on FFIV’s quest for the top spot. I know the bald pony tail look is a thing for Chinese monks and all, but it just looks always looks atrocious when I see it. That coupled with polka dot PJs and brand tattoos make Yang the worst dressed of the bunch.
Palom and Porom: Oops. Spoke too soon. Palom’s the worse offender with his bowl cut, but both of them are pattern calamities. I know they’re just kids, but I don’t know how the rest of the party could stand to be seen with them. I would have kicked them to the curb unless they got some new duds.
Cecil: Agree with Joey on the purple zebra motif, and also what’s that flame-like marking on his stomach? Very Lion King but totally out of the blue. However, I’ve always thought Dark Knight Cecil was way over the top and he’s still over the top here. He looks like he’s wearing some crazy Mass Effect armor; it’s too space age-y and skin tight for their time period. And why the giant spikes on his shoulders? Is he fending off surprise Buster shoulder rubs? And Joey: you forgave Dark Knight Cecil for shoulder spikes but not Paladin Cecil.
Kain: Kain’s outfit does seem fitting for a badass dragoon, although it’s more of a leotard than armor–if you look closely, only small sections of his body are actually armored. Also, did a giant fairy get smooshed on his stomach? What is that thing? It seriously looks like magical roadkill that he peeled up and plastered to his midsection.
Rosa: I want to hate her outfit, but I really like that lacey, see-through cape. The purple crotch piece is pretty insane, especially considering everything else is so white or muted. And does she have Christmas lights hanging from her waist? Also, what are those things on her knees? She has short boots on that stop at her ankles, so these are like golden-and-ruby Batarangs that got stuck to her.
Rydia: Agreed on the child-turned stripper issue, especially because her bio on that page says “A young girl from Mist.” Maybe that was the only way to pay her bills in the Land of Summoned Monsters. The arm sleeves look heavy and cumbersome; if you’re cold, put on a damn sweater. Her boots appear to be thigh-highs that attach to her leotard, which is crazy and probably makes it nearly impossible to go to the bathroom.
Edward: Oh, Edward. Do you think he’s sad because Anna died or because of what he’s wearing? Not only does the feather not save that hat, it’s definitely ridiculously too small for his head. His poofy pants and five-layered shirt are doing nothing for me. His hair is…fine.
Edge: It seems like that ridiculously oversized cape would get in the way of his ninja-ing. He’s about to snag it on his ninja stars in that picture. The little flowy half-skirt seems to be a thing for ninja-like characters, like the Prince of Persia, but I’m not sure why it’s necessary unless he has some secret butt stealth moves that need to be concealed.
Yang: Agree on the bald + ponytail, and it’s especially egregious with modern Yang because they’ve made him not Chinese at all. He’s just some American/British dude that’s trying to look like a monk and failing hard. Clown pants that he has to tie down to be functional, a billion arm bangles, and giant shoulder tattoo that probably means something dirty in Chinese culture that he wasn’t aware of add up to worst-dressed, totally.
Palom and Porom: They appear to be wearing basically the same thing with colors inverted (which is true in the original as well), so I’m combining them. Are they seriously wearing onesies? They’re kids, but they’re not babies. Also suffer from giant-jewel-on-chest disorder that our friend in FFIII had. Porom beats her brother because the bowl cut + tiny ponytail is the worst, and her boots are less “I’m a mage from Texas.”
Cecil: I agree on the Paladin Cecil vs Dark Knight Cecil. DKC’s armor is pretty amazing and I don’t think it would be as impressive without the funny horns/growths(?)…but the horns just don’t look as good on Paladin Cecil and it could be because there are fewer. He’s so sickly looking that I’m concerned for him. I do like his white body armor and would not like an elbow to the face with one of those gauntlets.
Kain: At first, I thought he looked pretty silly with his purple accents, turtle tummy, and giant shrimp fork. Then I thought, oh maybe it’s not so bad. Then I changed my mind for the final time. It’s a pretty silly outfit. The only component I like is his dragon helmet.
Rosa: This outfit is straight up lingerie with horn shoulder pads and ugly boots but I feel the same way Jillian does—I kinda like it, if only for her gorgeous cape. The granny panties and clunky boots were a huge mistake, though.
Edward: NO. All he needs is a wispy little mustache and a mason jar for tips and he could busk on the street in Portland. Get out of here with that hat, you pouty wimp.
Edge: I agree that his outfit is impractical given his choice of weapon. I don’t understand the apron/belly dancing hip cloth. I like his boots over everything else. I wonder if he shaves or waxes?
Yang: I don’t think much else can be said, except my ears hurt looking at his dumb earrings. He’s terrible.
Porom and Palom: I have to assume these Bananas in Pajamas don’t dress themselves and probably moonlight at Barnum and Bailey. Every single thing is bad—the haircuts, the attitude in their faces, the weird eyeball pattern inside their capes…I’m so glad I’m not ending with these future washed up child stars.
Rydia: I love everything—her hair, her cool boots, the beaded straps on her leotard. I do think the one piece number needs something else…a sarong? More impractical sleeves? Overall, even with the more ridiculous aspects of all of their outfits, they might be the best so far. Except the creepy twins.
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