Conan O’Brien introduced the Game of the Year nominees at last weekend’s Video Game Awards and had some short but insightful commentary on Bayonetta’s style.
“She looks like an incredibly dangerous real estate agent. Who really tones her butt. She’s not ashamed to show it, either. Look at the way she’s twisted and torqued. ‘Oh, are you seeing my bottom?‘”
This is the culmination of all the holes these girls have been cutting into previous outfits. Paine’s crotch curtain is too much and again, pretty sure she cannot take a single step in that. Yuna looks like an amateur genie and I hate her shoulder capes. Rikku has the best gloves and shoes, although the fishnet stockings seem like overkill on the skimpiness. Her armpit ponytail has got to be tickling her like crazy.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Rikku | Yuna | Paine |
Paine looks totally uncomfortable in that outfit and in that pose. That is a LOT of skin. Rikku doesn’t really care, this is probably her casual wear. Yuna…this is the first time I noticed her long rattail. My mind totally blocked it out until I saw the wisp of hair near her leg. Anyway, I love the pink and purple with the gold necklace and belt. I hate cutouts, but everyone has them so I can’t really take points away for that.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Yuna | Rikku | Paine |
If there was some sort of cloth shortage and they had to cut holes in everything, sure, these outfits might be explainable. But then Paine’s long gloves and middle third of a dress makes negative sense. Yuna’s head fan looks so out of place that it distracts the eye. Although that might not be a bad thing. Rikku wins by default, but she should take no pride in that.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Rikku | Yuna | Paine |
Another set of bargain bin Halloween costumes. Pretty sure samurai usually have more than one small pleat of armor on their outfits. Paine is one giant regret: that helmet, the rainbow flares, and the soda can loops on her arms. Rikku is surprisingly boring besides whatever is growing out of her forehead. Yuna seems the most “samurai” of the lot, but that sword looks like a giant can opener.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Yuna | Rikku | Paine |
Ok, Rikku is now wearing a bird on her head? Tell me that isn’t a bird head. The split in her robes makes it look a little more pirate-y than samurai. Paine…so many things went wrong for you. The giant buttons, the pleated bell bottoms, fringe arms? You are the worst. I really like Yuna’s robes and colors and her sword definitely is the most fearsome.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Yuna | Rikku | Paine |
Paine and Yuna must have been reading the Rainbow Brite guide to samurai. So many bright colors! I’m not sure why birds on heads are so offensive to you, but overall I like Rikku’s outfit and sword the best. Yuna gets a slight edge over Paine for a helmet that might somewhat useful. Paine’s would even protect her from Rikku’s bird’s droppings.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Rikku | Yuna | Paine |
This doesn’t feel like “Swordmaster,” more “Gone with the Wind.” Ladies win this one because the gents look like a hippie monastery monk in training. She at least has some sort of sword-related clothing, with the arm bracers and half (yet polka-dotted?) breast plate.
I actually like the gents on this one. I’ve never been a fan of the pink/green combo and his outfit is more sleek. Better for swordmasterin’
Too much fabric on both of them. She looks like she’s dressed for winter with a fur stole and he should not be mixing lime green with hunter green. Ladies because her sash works better with her pink petticoat.
They both look so ashamed. Good.
What is this? I don’t even-
LOL. NOPE.
All I see are three seahorses. Rikku has the most interesting helmet, Paine has a crazy intimidating serrated sword, Yuna looks like she’s muffled in a turtleneck.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Rikku | Paine | Yuna |
I can’t get past their helmets, so that will be how judgement is wrought. Yuna’s looks like a metallic court jester and Paine’s is some kind of Geisha fan. Rikku’s is a pissed-off unicorn that wears the horns of other unicorns it has murdered like a tooth necklace, so Rikku. Okay, I looked past their helmets briefly and Yuna needs a new pair of undies.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Rikku | Paine | Yuna |
What would happen if you stabbed someone with Rikku’s sword? Mythbusters, get on it. Rikku gets last for what appear to be totally exposed knees and the least dark armor. Somehow the geisha armor is more intimidating than the jester armor, so I give Paine the top spot.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Paine | Yuna | Rikku |
Gents because of Elvis consistency. Is the ladies’ supposed to be Alice in Wonderland or Lolita or Little Miss Muffet or what?
Gents. I enjoy the scarf and the swag pose sells it. Although I do like the ladies’ pose as well.
They are performing two entirely different shows. I’d rather see the gents. Excellent use of fringe.
I’m going to ignore that they’re supposed to be alchemists. They’d fit right in as extras in Mad Max. Or maybe in a gun fighting roller derby? Yuna’s color scheme made me think of Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog. I don’t care for her bulky swiss cheese wheel shoulder pads. Paine’s gun is large and in charge, but those orange panties say “here’s my crotch!” It’s very distracting. Rikku’s outfit is pretty similar to Paine’s, but her hair kind of works with this for once. Good for you, Rikku.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Rikku | Yuna | Paine |
This looks like some kind of Goodwill hodgepodge of their Gunner, Warrior, and Black Mage outfits, creating an even worse eyesore than any of those were alone. Yuna looks like she’s in the process of being digested by a robot. Paine’s orange crotch has blinded me as well, Erin, and the pink suspender outlines aren’t helping. Rikku’s colors actually work here and she’s a thankfully toned-down version of everything terrible the other two are doing.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Rikku | Yuna | Paine |
Not sure why Paine’s gun is so much bigger than the other two. She’s already got the “here’s my crotch” action going on. Neither is as repulsive as the pink straps. I agree that Rikku pulls it off best with a more pleasing color combination and less audacious shoulder pads. Shoulder armor? Metal things on shoulders with holes in them.
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scores | Rikku | Yuna | Paine |
I have to go with gents because I’m pretty sure that’s Michael Flatley and he will always win everything.
I enjoy them both immensely but I have to give it to the ladies because of the gents over-saturating the pant market with roses.
Ladies. I will never approve of a jacket with no shirt combo.
There are a crazy number of characters and an even crazier number of costumes (err, palette swaps) in the recently released/upcoming Smash Bros. games. So, of course, we have to dish on them.
Up first: a bunch of naked dinosaurs and monkeys, and Captain Falcon.
Reference images are credited to a great set of galleries at Super Smash Bros. Wikia and Games Radar.
My god. It’s like all my least favorite Nintendo characters in one go. Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong because they’re damned dirty apes. Charizard because having him means you passed on Squirtle (aka best starter Pokémon). Captain Falcon because he can’t say “punch” correctly. Bowser’s cool though.
Donkey: That goofy ape expression on his mug makes it hard to choose a winner between his palettes. I guess Original and black are the most true-to-life. I like my monkeys to know their place. That means no dye-jobs. That’s a human privilege! Worst would be a tie between green and pink. Even when given the chance to dye, you shouldn’t use the worst colors for hair/fur. Note: I might have to do an Op Ed on green/pink haired characters.
Donkey Kong’s color-changing looks the weirdest out of all of these. I can accept a pink Charizard, but a pink ape? Yellow? Even worse. As for his one fashionable accessory, the collar, they’re all surprisingly ok, with the exception of #8. Pink hair and…what is that? Light brown? Mustard? It’s not nice. I realize we’re judging fictional characters here, but I have to draw the line somewhere. The only colorful primates I’m ok with are those scary mandrills.
Monkey-hate is one of the few things in life Joey and I agree on, along with the fact that Donkey probably doesn’t deserve a fashion critique. That said, he looks really good in black and I’m beginning to wish it was his default shade. This definitely feels like a missed opportunity to change up his same-‘ol-same-‘ol necktie routine, though. A fur-and-tie color swap is okay, but why not give him some other accessories? Maybe a Chiquita banana headdress is too cliche, but it would distract from his giant monkey face and give him some dedicated projectile ammo.
Even worse than Donkey Kong. At least he only wears a tie. This sack of monkey has two articles of clothing? Two too many. At least his fur-dyes aren’t as bad. As for the clothes themselves, #7 is least punchable and #5 makes me want to get this game so I can beat him up.
Diddy Kong, you look like a super nerd, but it’s ok. Your worst look is the lime green crop top with burgundy hair (agreed with Joey). Everything else is kind of ok. Overall, it’s a whole lot of meh. I don’t like the inconsistency of the color patterns/trim of the hats and tops. I think the original red looks best.
I can never decide if Diddy Kong is a wannabe jock or hipster, but these color palettes are making me lean towards ironic tragic figure. He manages pink a lot better than his “uncle,” but the green has burned holes in my retinas. I actually like the gray with red trim best; the original all-red blends in with his fur too much, while the gray is toned down but still distinct, which seems like a good goal if you’re a monkey that’s randomly decided to wear clothes.
Ok, monkey rage subsiding. Not much to choose from here. The colors in the portraits don’t really match the model, otherwise #5’s model would be my choice. I still think #1 best fits the whole fire-breathing dragon thing.
Charizard, you smooth, smooth dragon.You look great in any color. You keep doing you. I especially like the blue and the purple/green combo. The latter reminds me of Spike the little dragon from My Little Pony (original)…or I guess the new kind, too. Sigh.
I’m kind of mesmerized by lavender Charizard, #6. I guess because “I’m going to murder you” ice-blue eyes look good on lavender. That said, there’s way too many reddish shades going on here. I know he’s a fire Pokémon, but let’s try something zany like silver, or a maybe stripes! Okay, those technically aren’t ridiculously crazy ideas, but compared to Blandy McOneColor over here, they’re pretty wackadoodle.
As the villain of the series, Bowser should look intimidating. Fierce even! But like, the villainous fierce. Not the Tyra Banks kind. #4 I think does the best job of having an imposing color sequence. By that same reasoning, #8 is the worst. I might be able to buy a blue lizard. But a blue-skinned demon turtle? C’mon!
I have never liked Bowser, he is super ugs. His menacing turtle-beast appearance is offensive even in pink. If I really had to choose, I’d say he looks the most professional in the grayish hue? Rawr.
I really enjoy that Erin picked the “most professional” Bowser and am having trouble arguing with that. I’m confused by #6, the aqua-green and pink combo: I like it, but also hate it because it seems super lazy. It’s just his original coloring with the contrast turned up. I’m going to vote for the three that change his collar/armband spikes to gold, because after all these years of kidnapping princesses and wreaking havoc, he should be able to afford an upgrade.
I never realized that his abs are showing through his shirt before. Unless it’s a Batman suit sort of thing? In any event, #2 is the least ab-showcasey so I’m going with that as my favorite. #6 has the dual problem of hot pink and light cloth max transparency. Worst!
I don’t even know who you are Captain Falcon, but you look like you’re ready for your après-ski cup of hot chocolate after a hard day on the bunny slopes. I like #2 and #5, the rest are gross, man. #6 and #7 are especially tacky.
Now that Joey’s pointed out the skin-tight abs, I can’t see anything else. Stupid sexy Falcon! Trying to push forward: Falcon has always seemed like a bit of a dandy to me, with his scarf and half-popped collar (you’re a futuristic space ship racer, not an 1890s Sunday driver). So I think he actually pulls off most of these vibrant color combos. I’m giving it to #3, the dark pink with yellow scarf, because I think it would stand out the best from the green-glassed cockpit of the Blue Falcon.
Final Fashionista 
