Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Mog/Umaro/Gogo

ffvi_mogumarogogo
ffvi_mogumarogogo_bonus

Final Fantasy VI Mog/Umaro/Gogo


Joey

Ugh. Even Umaro has weird Patrick Swayze hair. I’m not quite sure what to say about Mog, he’s cute and I like that he dances, but compared to other moogles, he’s not that special. I can barely look at Gogo without retching.

Erin

Gogo LOOKS like vomit, that’s probably why, Joey. Honestly, Umaro doesn’t fare much better. Abominable Snowman Barney? Mog wins this hands down not only for being adorable, but also for his glass of wine, for grooming, and general lack of disgusting headgear.

Jillian

This is a bit unfair since Gogo’s the only one actually wearing clothing, but I can’t ignore the resulting catastrophe. He’s like a post-shopping spree explosion at Jo-Ann Fabrics. Umaro needs to borrow some of Gogo’s spoils and cover up: those muscle rolls and World’s Strongest Man pose are not doing it for me. Mog is white in some instances and dingy beige in others: stop binge-drinking and take a bath.

Erin

It’s been a while since I looked back at these three and woof. My reaction to Gogo and Umaro are just as visceral. Still gross. Gogo is wearing one horn off to the side, not even unicorn style! Maybe I’m seeing this wrong? The lack of symmetry bothers me. Umaro would be just as gross even if he dressed up like his sort of look-a-like, the Great Grape Ape from Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Putting on my blinders and pretending Mog is the only one in this group.

Joey

I think I’m going to throw out a 1 (!) for Gogo. Everything about his look is offensive to me. I can’t imagine an outfit being significantly uglier than his. I also realized that Umaro is basically a white-furred ape. I don’t care for apes. I’m not sure if any clothing or fur-stylings would help him, but I definitely don’t approve of this nude look he’s got going on.

Jillian

I’m going to try to find one good thing about Gogo because I feel bad about the ultra-dumping he’s taken. His, uh, dragon-bird-hat thing looks soft. Umaro needs a fur trim. Mog wins by process of horrified elimination.


Final Scores

  Mog Umaro Gogo
Joey 5 2 1
Erin 8 1 1
Jillian 4 3 2
Total 5.5/10 2/10 1.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Strago/Gau/Shadow

ffvi_stragogaushadow

Final Fantasy VI Strago/Gau/Shadow


Jillian

Shadow’s clothes seem way too tight for a ninja. Also, giant shoulder spike is probably counterintuitive to ninja-ing about. I always thought Gau was wearing a torn shirt, but his chibi portrait looks like a poncho. It’s a bit too mom-out-on-the-town for an orphaned wild child, especially when paired with the polka-dotted skirt. Strago is obviously a mess and appears to have woken up and thrown his mage-cape over his pajamas. Or, based on his red-nosed portrait, he’s just drunk.

Erin

I agree about the too tight clothes. Paired with the motorcycle helmet, I feel like I need more air. Gau…this outfit is pretty weird, but just finding out he’s a wild child..it makes more sense? Fred Flintstone meets Hunter S. Thompson? Good call with Strago on the pajamas, Jillian. He even has the matching bedhead. That cape collar is something else.

Joey

Shadow is as generic looking as they come, but I’m going to give him a bonus point for naming his dog “Interceptor.” I’m not sure if Gau’s top qualifies as a poncho, it’s so small. What it does qualify for, though, is being ugly. Strago’s outfit is a mess of assorted patterned cloth. I feel like even a clown would look at him and think “dial it back, old man.”

Jillian

Clown insults, ouch. Strago gets a few points for rocking the weirdest old man hair possible, with that ridiculously long mohawk and mouth-eclipsing mustache. Gau loses a few more points for what appear to be heel straps with no wraps. In Shadow’s portrait the red lining of his hood looks like a creepy smile–is he the clown that’s abusing Strago? If so, extra points.

Joey

Gau loses even more points for his sideburns-ponytail-flattop haircut. I disagree about the Strago haircut. There’s a time and a place for mohawks and senility isn’t it. I know this game is old, but I just can’t with these hairstyles. I suspect that Shadow looks like this under the mask.

Erin

I once had a crazy old relative who came to a party and insisted that Montell Jordan’s popular hit “This is how we do it” be played because it was her jam. Joey, I think that would be the equivalent to Strago’s senile mohawk. Also, I thought Shadow was a woman, pardon me for being a ponytail sexist. Overall, I think Shadow has the advantage…generic wins over tacky this time.


Final Scores

Strago Gau Shadow
Jillian 4 3 5
Erin 3.5 2 5
Joey 3 3 4
Total 3.5/10 2.5/10 4.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Setzer/Relm

ffvi_setzerrelm

Final Fantasy VI Setzer/Relm


Erin

Toad? Is that you, pretending to be Strawberry Shortcake? Relm, what are you thinking? I like her colors, but those bottoms are a little diaper-y. Setzer is a lot of coat and hair and black and gold, but nothing is really standing out.

Joey

I was thinking those pants were less diaper-y and more MC Hammer-y. And as an Oakland native, I will never naysay the hammer pants. That headgear though? Yikes. I like Setzer’s coat and his puffy shirt.

Jillian

This girl couldn’t look more different in each variation: she’s obviously wearing an oversized red bow in sprite-form, but randomly has a gypsy scarf-hat on in her portrait? Also not sure where the hammer pants came from in the chibi shot, but they’re terrible. There’s not even a leg separation, it’s just a giant pant-bulb. Setzer has always been one of the best-dressed FFVI characters; love the oversized coat with the popped collar and the long, devil-may-care hair. He pulls it off.

Erin

On second glance, I really like Setzer’s silvery white hair, especially with the sort of Jack Sparrow hair beads shown in the headshot closeup. (I might be seeing things?) The long coat and white hair remind me a little of Dante from Devil May Cry. Relm…Jillian used the perfect word. Bulb. You know what she kind of looks like with the bulbous hat and pants? A human hourglass.

Joey

Wait, I thought hourglass figures were supposed to be appealing? I guess it just gets weird on children. I do think Setzer’s hair could use a little managing. It’s wild style conflicts with his otherwise controlled dress.

Jillian

But the “hourglass” portion is supposed to be elsewhere, not your head and knees. There also appears to be a random hole in the top of her hat to let one wisp of hair out for no reason. I think Setzer needs the wild hair or else he’ll look too put-together. I hadn’t noticed the Jack Sparrow beads before Erin mentioned them, but those actually lose points for me: too Michael Scott just back from Jamaica.


Final Scores

Setzer Relm
Erin 6 3
Joey 7 3
Jillian 8 4
Total 7/10 3.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Celes/Cyan

FFVI_CelesCyan
Final Fantasy VI Celes/Cyan


Jillian

First off, I’m ignoring Cyan’s chibi version because dat mustache. Despite being an honorable old knight, he can’t pull off the scraggly ponytail. Let it go, man. Celes is obviously one of the most beautiful and powerful women in Final Fantasy history. So why does she wear a leotard as armor? It’s way too Street Fighter Cammy and not enough badass army general.

Joey

Cyan’s chibi moustache is amazing, but I agree about the ponytail. Anyone that old shouldn’t have hair that long. Meanwhile Celes’s headband ruins any kind of general cred she might hope to have. She looks like she would fit in more on the set of The Warriors.

Erin

Could Cyan look any more like a bad guy with that mustache? Celes better watch out or she’ll end up tied to some train tracks. Agree on the headband…trying to pull out some bangs there does nothing to make it look better. The closeup of her head has a much nicer headpiece styling.

Jillian

Erin’s spot on, that’s a pure silent film thumb-twirlin’-mustache if there ever was one. I think chibi version of Celes is misleading as well; she’s obviously wearing barrettes, not an ’80s work-out video headband. I’m giving her extra points for the power cape that has built-in shoulder pad armor and flows around her sprite so elegantly–simultaneously dainty and strong.

Joey

I had totally forgotten that Celes also has the only wardrobe change in the game, where she really improves all around. Well done, Celes. Cyan should have taken note. Even Celes’ hair length is more manageable.

Erin

Whoa, Joey, that dress is awesome! You’d never know that the little chibi and this pretty lady are supposed to be the same person. As for Cyan…lipstick on a pig? I don’t think anything can help this guy.


Final Scores

Celes Cyan
Jillian 7 4
Joey 7 3
Erin 6.5 3
Total 7/10 3.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Sabin/Edgar

FFVI_EdgarSabin
Final Fantasy VI Sabin/Edgar


Joey

Sabin and Edgar are two of my favorite characters in FFVI, mostly because of Edgar’s shameless flirting and Sabin suplexing trains. However, it’s like they are competing with each other for worst hair in the series. Buzz cut gone awry plus a rat tail? Super long ponytail with two ribbons? Dial it back brothers.

Erin

Two brothers that look like they’re from different worlds. Fable vs Street Fighter? Heath Ledger in The Patriot vs Dolph Lundgren in Rocky 4. Edgar brings the class with two bows, while Sabin’s rattail looks ready to bust some skulls.

Jillian

Love Edgar, but his portrait is always a little “creepy Lestat.” And Sabin looks about a decade older despite being the younger twin, thanks to weird gray skin tint. Too much time in the mountains? However, Edgar pulls off the totally unnecessary double bows and Sabin can certainly rock a purple muscle tank.

Erin

Oh my god, “creepy Lestat” is a perfect description for Edgar. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before, but Sabin is definitely dressed like Aladdin. Sure, it’s a fierce tank instead of an open vest, but really all he needs is a little monkey friend. While both are stylish, I’m partial to Edgar’s full blown regalia.

Joey

You’ve given me more appreciation for Sabin by pointing out the Aladdin resemblance. I do like the pants and scarf/belt combo. Very martial arts. Meanwhile comparing Edgar to a vampire has ruined him in my eyes. Well done Jillian. Also FFVI lovers=Twilight Fans now.

Jillian

Sabin’s a little too beefy for me to really view him as scrawny starving street rat Aladdin, but the scarf/belt does bring up memories of Arabian Nights. His sprite hairstyle is totally Bad Dudes, though.  I won’t apologize for Edgar-vampire. He’s a total ladies man and he lives in a castle that can burrow underground, basically a giant stone coffin. Also, he kills people with chainsaws while wearing double-bows, so extra credit there.


Final Scores

Sabin Edgar
Joey 6 4
Erin 5 7
Jillian 5 6
Total 5.5/10 5.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Terra/Locke

terralockehorizontal

Terra/Locke


Joey

As much as I like Locke as a character, the collar up sleeveless vest makes him look like a tough guy in some cheesy 80s flick. Terra’s original look has a shoulder pad ratio of like 1:1. That is way too high.

Jillian

I’ll give ’80s tough guy Locke the benefit of the doubt and assume the high collar and lack of restrictive armwear is helpful in sneakery-slash-thievery. His hair, even in 1994 pixelated form, is pretty impressive–very wind-blowable. I’m having trouble reconciling the two Terra pictures. Rigid shoulder pad central on one version, supple bare-armed on the other. So I’ll just say: red dress, green hair, no way. It’s never Christmastime in Final Fantasy VI.

Erin

It’s a holly, jolly Terra, and I’m on board. Something about that green/teal hair screams sass to me. I like it. I’m with you on the shoulder pads, she looks like a linebacker. As for Locke, I enjoy his jean vest, although it seems to me like he wants to steal the Karate Kid’s lunch money. Is Locke also wearing Uggs?

Joey

Those do look like laced up Uggs! Disapproval! I suspect that he’s wearing a tank top underneath. I do like the red/green combo on Terra and everything from the waist up is pleasant, but those white patterned leggings look like an easter egg gone awry. Truth of the Universe #325: white leggings are unacceptable. Addendum to Truth of the Universe #325: White leggings with patterns on them are even more unacceptable.

Jillian

Is dressing like a Christmas tree a popular past time in California? I won’t forgive Terra for the red and green combo, but I do love her made-for-kicking-ass boots and dress that looks like it secretly doubles as body armor (again, chibi version, the modern version looks like a rug from the entrance to a Thai restaurant). I don’t see visible fur on Locke’s boots so I think they’re Ugg-free. But the plain white Calvin Klein undershirt is a bit too “I’m not even trying.” We know you are, Locke.

Erin

You’ve convinced me that Locke isn’t sporting Uggs, so he gains a full point back from me. I can’t help it, I think Terra’s devil may care attitude with the color mixing and that delightful costume jewelry is fierce! I can even forgive the shoulder pads. Is my love of her just because I secretly wish I had teal hair? Maybe, but I’m okay with that.


Final Scores:

Terra Locke
Joey 6 5
Jillian 6 7
Erin 8 6
Total 6.5/10 6/10