We’ve already looked at the uniforms fighters wear in Fantasy Life, as well as what gatherers don for maximum rock-bashing and tree-slashing. This week we’ll dish on the final four classes’ base outfits, which can’t possibly be as bad as the Hunter. Right?

Blacksmith

The Blacksmith smock gives me definite “evil dentist” vibes, but its other primary offense is just being a giant blob of nothingness. There’s no shape to either gender’s silhouette and the back suspenders are the only thing preventing this from turning into a Homer Simpson-style muumuu. All this loose-fitting drapery is certainly a fire hazard for someone working at a red hot forge, and the lack of gloves is begging to add fourth-degree burns to the ensemble. The hats are just sort of…there. I guess the guy’s gives a hint of a train conductor which has a six-degrees-of-separation connection to Blacksmiths via coal, but the girl’s is too Three Stooges to take seriously. Neither one is as offensive as the pot-on-head Cook, but they speak to the uniforms’ fate as a whole: sent to the Fantasy Life equivalent of Good Will after the first day.

Carpenter

As much as I love the guy’s channeling of 1980s’ fashion in both colors and size of headband, his lack of follow-through to fingerless gloves ruins the attempt. His breezy tunic with utility belt seems functional enough for a Carpenter, but as a whole this is too plain for anything beyond a meh. Meanwhile, the girl’s white harem pants, pseudo-pirate shirt, and random crotch pleat come together in a surprisingly striking ensemble. Her headband is even larger than his and appears to be made up of two scarves tied together to form Paladin wings on the sides, which is ridiculous but strangely not infuriating. Since the only constant for the Carpenter’s uniform seems to be a giant headband and gloves, both in sky blue, I think she’s done the best job of accessorizing the basics while feeling job-appropriate.

Tailor

The female Tailor looks like a minimum wage shirtwaist factory worker from the 1910s. The male Tailor is what I imagine Tom Sawyer looks like after Aunt Polly forces him to clean up. Either way, not the brilliant artisans of Fantasy Life that can craft an entire outfit from a piece of dandelion fluff. These are so boring that I’m just going to use the rest of their allotted space to talk about the Hero outfits.

Turns out, once you hit the Hero level of a class, you receive a new and improved job uniform. These are 100% better than their Apprentice counterparts both in battle statistics and style. The Blacksmith is probably one of the best improvements, transforming your steel-worker into a leather-clad goddess of royal purple and Yuna-style armsleeves/gloves that provide both protection and class. However, the Tailor is still a huge disappointment. While most classes receive a slew of interchangeable items, from hat to shoes, the Tailor only earns three pieces: a single-item “dress” (despite it clearly being a shirt, topcoat, and pantaloons), forgettable shoes, and a nearly invisible pincushion accessory. It’s some sort of ironic punishment that the class who makes all the clothes in the game has the least exciting wardrobe. I can’t speak to the guy’s version of the Hero outfit, but based on Bowtie McYawnSnore up above, I imagine it’s not much better.

Alchemist

Okay, as much as I hate the Tailor’s outfit, I hate the Alchemist’s more. Those are, objectively, the two worst shades of green you could inflict on someone. The girl has reentered muumuu territory and won’t even need a “baby on board” sign to get a free seat on the subway. She has three buttons on her dress that are accomplishing absolutely nothing, and just to top it off, here’s a ruffled white collar in case you thought she was any younger than 82. The guy’s is moderately less disturbing since his undervest is at least slightly tailored. But it’s also too small and shows off a hint of white undershirt, while his blue leggings disappear into same-shaded blue shoes like an adult onesie. They’re both sporting the most bland and shapeless bandana imaginable in the same solid vomit-green just to ensure you’ll never stop seeing it when you close your eyes. The saddest thing of all is that these are the definitive uniforms for less-than-Heroic Alchemists: Fizz, the NPC apprentice who helps get you acclimated to the job, wears the exact same dress and seems appropriately depressed about it despite her brave face.

That’s it for the basic class outfits. The verdict? Sell your uniforms on day one and buy a less-embarrassing Shark Hat. Your Fantasy Life will be better for it.