All These Updates Don’t Fix Final Fantasy XV’s Biggest Flaw

Posted on April 25, 2018 by Joey

I’m quite conflicted about how I feel about Final Fantasy XV. There are some things I love (warping everywhere), some things I dislike (everything about Ignis) and some things I’m conflicted about (photo realistic food). All of the recent patches and DLC announcements don’t fix the biggest problem with the game: Prompto has no sleeves.

As seen above, even his “casual” outfit is sleeveless. I would understand if he had a gun show to display like Gladio here.

But no. He’s super thin. He’s the thinnest of the group! It just not a good look for him. And that bandana around his arm somehow makes it worse.

Click to reveal small endgame spoiler

Yes I know you can get an outfit for him at the end of the game, but by then it’s much too late as I’ve been blinded by his pasty arms for 99% of the game. I need a patch/DLC that covers him up from minute one.

Hot takes from the crew:

Erin: He looks like a youngish lady English teacher trying too hard to be cool.

Jillian: I feel like I need to feed this kid a sandwich.

Lorelle: He’s gonna get a sunburn.

I Never Noticed | Precis from Star Ocean: The Second Story

Posted on February 23, 2015 by Jillian

Video game art and costumes are surprisingly intricate (enough so that we can have an entire blog dedicated to them), meaning we often miss little details on our first or even fifth playthrough. “I Never Noticed” will point out some of these details for specific characters as we become aware of them.

The very first “I Never Noticed” should actually go to Yuna from Final Fantasy X-2, whose rattail was only recognized after Erin pointed it out to us in one of our many “Who Wore It Best?” entries. However, since we’ve talked about her at length recently, Yuna gets a reprieve this week.

I started another playthrough of Star Ocean: The Second Story a few days ago, and upon plotting out my character picks (you can only recruit eight of the eleven characters and some are either/or options) noticed a few new things about Precis.

First, she’s surprisingly short for no obvious reason. In the image above, you can see Precis (front row, left, brunette ponytail) is not only the shortest character, but she’s awkwardly smaller than everyone else. Although she’s the youngest girl, Leon–who is standing next to her–is four years younger at twelve, yet he stands a full head taller than her. She’s smaller than everyone else in battle as well, although not to such a bizarrely noticeable degree (especially when her mechanical arms are out and adding to her height).

More fashion-specific, I never noticed that Precis has two apparent wounds as part of her outfit: her right elbow features a band-aid cross while her left knee has a giant hole in the fabric of her tights. This is a fitting choice for the explosive, somewhat accident-prone inventor. She’s the only character with injuries incorporated into her outfit: even the perpetually unlucky Ashton is scrape-free (besides the two dragons fused to his back).

She also has a wheel on the side of each boot. While this makes sense for her mechanically-inclined personality and tactics, these don’t seem to actually come into play in-game: she’s no faster than the other characters and still walks normally instead of wheeling around. This makes the wheels more of a stylistic choice, as well as possibly the first documented use of Heelys, which were patented in 2000 (two years after Star Ocean: The Second Story was released).

Precis’s final “I Never Noticed” item is the control for her in-game weapon, the mechanical hands. She’s using a PlayStation controller and, specifically, the DualShock version. If you look closely, you can tell she is actually holding a controller in battle as well. Cleverly, for the PSP remake of Star Ocean: The Second Story–titled Second Evolution—Precis is using a PSP as her controller instead of the DualShock.

Crossy Road’s New Characters Reminded Me: There’s Something Wrong with Knuckles

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Jillian

Crossy Road has been my mobile addiction for the past few months, but there’s little opportunity to discuss voxel animals’ unclothed appearance here on Final Fashionista. However, the game’s most recent update introduced a slew of adorable Australian characters, including one that was familiar in name thanks to the Sonic the Hedgehog series, yet totally unrecognizable in appearance: the echidna.

This guy is a ridiculously cute ball of spiky beaver/platypus, with an anteater-like tongue, pointy beaklike muzzle, and thick sloth-toes. Turns out, like most of Crossy Road‘s creatures, it’s a pretty accurate representation.

What have we been accepting as an echidna in Video Game Land all this time? Knuckles, who was introduced in Sonic 3 way back in 1994.

Even ignoring the ten-ton bowling shoes and evil Mickey Mouse gloves, Knuckles shares very little in common with the adoraball above. His “spikes” have been elongated into a bob of droopy dreads, his nose is a cross between Homer Simpson and a greyhound, and he has a randomly long lightning bolt tail (unlike the thick, stunted, and super spiny nub of real echidnas).

Granted, Sonic isn’t a true-to-life hedgehog, but he at least shares specific traits with his origin species. He has actual spikes, pointy hedgehog ears, a tiny button nose, and even appropriately skinny legs. The blue might make a first-glance classification difficult, unlike Tails (who is so obviously a fox that you can still tell while he’s helicoptering around), but “hedgehog” is at least an understandable explanation for ol’ blue fur.

Unlike this, which has become even less echidna-like over time. Knuckles in Sonic Boom has legs that are even longer, skin that is even smoother, hair-spikes that are even droopier, and a face that is even flatter despite his species’ relation to the long-beaked platypus.

Maybe he had his quills surgically removed and that explains the bandages. A nose job, eyebrow lift, tail enlargement, and boom: Knuckles the “echidna.” Possibly the first video game animal with an addiction to plastic surgery? Or he’s reverting to buff baby form, which falls somewhere on the spectrum between creepy and adorable.

(Oh, and we obviously still need to talk about Sonic’s scarf. It has not gone unnoticed.)

The Minish Cap: What’s Up with Link’s Hair?

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Final Fashionista

We’ve been watching AGDQ 2015 basically nonstop this week, but the current run of The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap reminded us that Link is hiding a pretty bizarro hairstyle underneath his classic green headgear. From the side, it might be considered simply bedhead (like many Zelda games, he does begin the game asleep). The front and sides are casually messy and in need of a trim, but the crown has been smooshed into a propeller-shaped hair Triforce that is almost floating above his head.

From the back, we get a clearer view of what looks like a Flux Capacitor prominently defined by a black outline against the rest of his blonde waves. Is this some sort of triple ponytail? Is it the hair-mark of the hero? Is it just the current style in Hyrule? And how does it stay so perfectly pointy even after being shoved under Ezlo-hat?

We don’t know the answers to these questions. What we do know is Joey has an opinion on Link-hair vs. Link-hat:

Joey

There are very few situations where hair is less offensive to me than a hat. This is especially true for a hat as heinous as Link’s. I definitely think it’s an improvement and laud his decision to go hatless. In fact, I’m having trouble thinking of a hairstyle that would benefit from his ridiculous headgear. Maybe some sort of weird rattail/sideways mohawk.

Fashion Panel | Super Smash Bros. WiiU/3DS – Part 1

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Final Fashionista

There are a crazy number of characters and an even crazier number of costumes (err, palette swaps) in the recently released/upcoming Smash Bros. games. So, of course, we have to dish on them.

Up first: a bunch of naked dinosaurs and monkeys, and Captain Falcon.

Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Charizard, Bowser, Captain Falcon

Reference images are credited to a great set of galleries at Super Smash Bros. Wikia and Games Radar.

Joey

My god. It’s like all my least favorite Nintendo characters in one go. Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong because they’re damned dirty apes. Charizard because having him means you passed on Squirtle (aka best starter Pokémon). Captain Falcon because he can’t say “punch” correctly. Bowser’s cool though.

Donkey: That goofy ape expression on his mug makes it hard to choose a winner between his palettes. I guess Original and black are the most true-to-life. I like my monkeys to know their place. That means no dye-jobs. That’s a human privilege! Worst would be a tie between green and pink. Even when given the chance to dye, you shouldn’t use the worst colors for hair/fur. Note: I might have to do an Op Ed on green/pink haired characters.

Erin

Donkey Kong’s color-changing looks the weirdest out of all of these. I can accept a pink Charizard, but a pink ape? Yellow? Even worse. As for his one fashionable accessory, the collar, they’re all surprisingly ok, with the exception of #8. Pink hair and…what is that? Light brown? Mustard? It’s not nice. I realize we’re judging fictional characters here, but I have to draw the line somewhere. The only colorful primates I’m ok with are those scary mandrills.

Jillian

Monkey-hate is one of the few things in life Joey and I agree on, along with the fact that Donkey probably doesn’t deserve a fashion critique. That said, he looks really good in black and I’m beginning to wish it was his default shade. This definitely feels like a missed opportunity to change up his same-‘ol-same-‘ol necktie routine, though. A fur-and-tie color swap is okay, but why not give him some other accessories? Maybe a Chiquita banana headdress is too cliche, but it would distract from his giant monkey face and give him some dedicated projectile ammo.

Joey

Even worse than Donkey Kong. At least he only wears a tie. This sack of monkey has two articles of clothing? Two too many. At least his fur-dyes aren’t as bad. As for the clothes themselves, #7 is least punchable and #5 makes me want to get this game so I can beat him up.

Erin

Diddy Kong, you look like a super nerd, but it’s ok. Your worst look is the lime green crop top with burgundy hair (agreed with Joey). Everything else is kind of ok. Overall, it’s a whole lot of meh. I don’t like the inconsistency of the color patterns/trim of the hats and tops. I think the original red looks best.

Jillian

I can never decide if Diddy Kong is a wannabe jock or hipster, but these color palettes are making me lean towards ironic tragic figure. He manages pink a lot better than his “uncle,” but the green has burned holes in my retinas. I actually like the gray with red trim best; the original all-red blends in with his fur too much, while the gray is toned down but still distinct, which seems like a good goal if you’re a monkey that’s randomly decided to wear clothes.

Joey

Ok, monkey rage subsiding. Not much to choose from here. The colors in the portraits don’t really match the model, otherwise #5’s model would be my choice. I still think #1 best fits the whole fire-breathing dragon thing.

Erin

Charizard, you smooth, smooth dragon.You look great in any color. You keep doing you. I especially like the blue and the purple/green combo. The latter reminds me of Spike the little dragon from My Little Pony (original)…or I guess the new kind, too. Sigh.

Jillian

I’m kind of mesmerized by lavender Charizard, #6. I guess because “I’m going to murder you” ice-blue eyes look good on lavender. That said, there’s way too many reddish shades going on here. I know he’s a fire Pokémon, but let’s try something zany like silver, or a maybe stripes! Okay, those technically aren’t ridiculously crazy ideas, but compared to Blandy McOneColor over here, they’re pretty wackadoodle.

Joey

As the villain of the series, Bowser should look intimidating. Fierce even! But like, the villainous fierce. Not the Tyra Banks kind. #4 I think does the best job of having an imposing color sequence. By that same reasoning, #8 is the worst. I might be able to buy a blue lizard. But a blue-skinned demon turtle? C’mon!

Erin

I have never liked Bowser, he is super ugs. His menacing turtle-beast appearance is offensive even in pink. If I really had to choose, I’d say he looks the most professional in the grayish hue? Rawr.

Jillian

I really enjoy that Erin picked the “most professional” Bowser and am having trouble arguing with that. I’m confused by #6, the aqua-green and pink combo: I like it, but also hate it because it seems super lazy. It’s just his original coloring with the contrast turned up. I’m going to vote for the three that change his collar/armband spikes to gold, because after all these years of kidnapping princesses and wreaking havoc, he should be able to afford an upgrade.

Joey

I never realized that his abs are showing through his shirt before. Unless it’s a Batman suit sort of thing? In any event, #2 is the least ab-showcasey so I’m going with that as my favorite. #6 has the dual problem of hot pink and light cloth max transparency. Worst!

Erin

I don’t even know who you are Captain Falcon, but you look like you’re ready for your après-ski cup of hot chocolate after a hard day on the bunny slopes. I like #2 and #5, the rest are gross, man. #6 and #7 are especially tacky.

Jillian

Now that Joey’s pointed out the skin-tight abs, I can’t see anything else. Stupid sexy Falcon! Trying to push forward: Falcon has always seemed like a bit of a dandy to me, with his scarf and half-popped collar (you’re a futuristic space ship racer, not an 1890s Sunday driver). So I think he actually pulls off most of these vibrant color combos. I’m giving it to #3, the dark pink with yellow scarf, because I think it would stand out the best from the green-glassed cockpit of the Blue Falcon.

One Item Makeover | Toad

Posted on September 10, 2014 by Final Fashionista

Like his partner-in-unchanging-style series friend, Yoshi, Toad has managed to keep the same general outfit alive for a whopping three decades. We’re not sure if his giant mushroom topper is a physical part of his body*, but even putting potential head-spore deformities aside, this look needs some work. Each of our critics can select one item to dramatically improve Toad’s style, but will it be enough?

Jillian

Here’s the problem: Toad is short, wearing what appears to be a diaper, and yet is supposed to be a wise advisor-type in many of his Mario game roles. I just can’t take a man dressed as a baby seriously. We need to age him up, and quick. A bushy, man’s man’s mustache is the easiest way to immediately confirm: “This is not a toddler, although it may be a 19th century villain in disguise.” Making it a ridiculously oversized and distracting mustache will hopefully also help take focus off the disaster that is Toad from the neck down.

Joey

I was thinking about going on one of my patented “stupid hat” rants, but if there’s a chance that it’s a part of his body, I’d look like a total bigot for trashing on a person’s physical differences due to race. In any event, since that’s off the table, I’d like to address something else. I definitely agree that Toad has always looked too much like a baby, and those baby-diaper-looking pants(?) aren’t helping. If he were to simply button up his vest, it would help counter the baby look in two ways: first, to cover up the chest and second, to cover the diaper-looking waistline on his bottoms.

Erin

Ok, there are too many things I feel need to be done to Toad to improve his overall….whatever it is he has going on. The whole wheat dinner roll feet, the diaper, lack of shirt, his confusing mushroom hat…I would feel a lot better if we just planted him into a pot with wheels. Instant Mario Kart, no more Pampers booty, looks a little like Groot now, I like it.

*Erin later discovered this image which answers the hat vs. body part question, but we’re going to pretend we never saw that so we can continue to sleep at night.

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Mog/Umaro/Gogo

Posted on August 18, 2014 by Final Fashionista

Final Fantasy VI Mog/Umaro/Gogo

Joey

Ugh. Even Umaro has weird Patrick Swayze hair. I’m not quite sure what to say about Mog, he’s cute and I like that he dances, but compared to other moogles, he’s not that special. I can barely look at Gogo without retching.

Erin

Gogo LOOKS like vomit, that’s probably why, Joey. Honestly, Umaro doesn’t fare much better. Abominable Snowman Barney? Mog wins this hands down not only for being adorable, but also for his glass of wine, for grooming, and general lack of disgusting headgear.

Jillian

This is a bit unfair since Gogo’s the only one actually wearing clothing, but I can’t ignore the resulting catastrophe. He’s like a post-shopping spree explosion at Jo-Ann Fabrics. Umaro needs to borrow some of Gogo’s spoils and cover up: those muscle rolls and World’s Strongest Man pose are not doing it for me. Mog is white in some instances and dingy beige in others: stop binge-drinking and take a bath.

Erin

It’s been a while since I looked back at these three and woof. My reaction to Gogo and Umaro are just as visceral. Still gross. Gogo is wearing one horn off to the side, not even unicorn style! Maybe I’m seeing this wrong? The lack of symmetry bothers me. Umaro would be just as gross even if he dressed up like his sort of look-a-like, the Great Grape Ape from Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Putting on my blinders and pretending Mog is the only one in this group.

Joey

I think I’m going to throw out a 1 (!) for Gogo. Everything about his look is offensive to me. I can’t imagine an outfit being significantly uglier than his. I also realized that Umaro is basically a white-furred ape. I don’t care for apes. I’m not sure if any clothing or fur-stylings would help him, but I definitely don’t approve of this nude look he’s got going on.

Jillian

I’m going to try to find one good thing about Gogo because I feel bad about the ultra-dumping he’s taken. His, uh, dragon-bird-hat thing looks soft. Umaro needs a fur trim. Mog wins by process of horrified elimination.

Final Scores

	Mog	Umaro	Gogo
Joey	5	2	1
Erin	8	1	1
Jillian	4	3	2
Total	5.5/10	2/10	1.5/10

One Item Makeover | Yoshi

Posted on August 11, 2014 by Final Fashionista

Yoshi

Yoshi has stuck to his staple look for over 20 years: red saddle, Timberlands, goofy smile. We’ve seen dinosaurs in Mario’s universe wear a few accoutrements–Birdo’s bow, Boshi’s sunglasses–but otherwise, the species is pretty low-key. Given the opportunity to deck Yoshi out in only one new item, what would each of our critics choose to spice up his style?

Jillian

I think we need to reiterate the fact that this guy is an omnivorous, hundred million-year-old creature, and he will fucking eat you. Something to badass him up without making him PG-13. I’d give him a nose ring, which would also help camouflage whatever gigantism has taken over his ever-growing snout.

Erin

I mean, call me crazy, but I think the guy at LEAST deserves some teeth. Maybe not some giant pointy chompers, but at least enough to not feel like I’ll just be gummed to death.

Joey

After years of being mistreated by Mario, I think Yoshi should get something that tells the world “I’m not going to stand for this guy riding me, punching me in the face, and then leaving me to die.” My suggestion is a circular saw blade on his back on top of the saddle. It has the dual purpose of scaring off any would-be riders and also serves as a kind of mohawk.

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Strago/Gau/Shadow

Posted on August 6, 2014 by Final Fashionista

Final Fantasy VI Strago/Gau/Shadow

Jillian

Shadow’s clothes seem way too tight for a ninja. Also, giant shoulder spike is probably counterintuitive to ninja-ing about. I always thought Gau was wearing a torn shirt, but his chibi portrait looks like a poncho. It’s a bit too mom-out-on-the-town for an orphaned wild child, especially when paired with the polka-dotted skirt. Strago is obviously a mess and appears to have woken up and thrown his mage-cape over his pajamas. Or, based on his red-nosed portrait, he’s just drunk.

Erin

I agree about the too tight clothes. Paired with the motorcycle helmet, I feel like I need more air. Gau…this outfit is pretty weird, but just finding out he’s a wild child..it makes more sense? Fred Flintstone meets Hunter S. Thompson? Good call with Strago on the pajamas, Jillian. He even has the matching bedhead. That cape collar is something else.

Joey

Shadow is as generic looking as they come, but I’m going to give him a bonus point for naming his dog “Interceptor.” I’m not sure if Gau’s top qualifies as a poncho, it’s so small. What it does qualify for, though, is being ugly. Strago’s outfit is a mess of assorted patterned cloth. I feel like even a clown would look at him and think “dial it back, old man.”

Jillian

Clown insults, ouch. Strago gets a few points for rocking the weirdest old man hair possible, with that ridiculously long mohawk and mouth-eclipsing mustache. Gau loses a few more points for what appear to be heel straps with no wraps. In Shadow’s portrait the red lining of his hood looks like a creepy smile–is he the clown that’s abusing Strago? If so, extra points.

Joey

Gau loses even more points for his sideburns-ponytail-flattop haircut. I disagree about the Strago haircut. There’s a time and a place for mohawks and senility isn’t it. I know this game is old, but I just can’t with these hairstyles. I suspect that Shadow looks like this under the mask.

Erin

I once had a crazy old relative who came to a party and insisted that Montell Jordan’s popular hit “This is how we do it” be played because it was her jam. Joey, I think that would be the equivalent to Strago’s senile mohawk. Also, I thought Shadow was a woman, pardon me for being a ponytail sexist. Overall, I think Shadow has the advantage…generic wins over tacky this time.

Final Scores

	Strago	Gau	Shadow
Jillian	4	3	5
Erin	3.5	2	5
Joey	3	3	4
Total	3.5/10	2.5/10	4.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Setzer/Relm

Posted on July 30, 2014 by Final Fashionista

Final Fantasy VI Setzer/Relm

Erin

Toad? Is that you, pretending to be Strawberry Shortcake? Relm, what are you thinking? I like her colors, but those bottoms are a little diaper-y. Setzer is a lot of coat and hair and black and gold, but nothing is really standing out.

Joey

I was thinking those pants were less diaper-y and more MC Hammer-y. And as an Oakland native, I will never naysay the hammer pants. That headgear though? Yikes. I like Setzer’s coat and his puffy shirt.

Jillian

This girl couldn’t look more different in each variation: she’s obviously wearing an oversized red bow in sprite-form, but randomly has a gypsy scarf-hat on in her portrait? Also not sure where the hammer pants came from in the chibi shot, but they’re terrible. There’s not even a leg separation, it’s just a giant pant-bulb. Setzer has always been one of the best-dressed FFVI characters; love the oversized coat with the popped collar and the long, devil-may-care hair. He pulls it off.

Erin

On second glance, I really like Setzer’s silvery white hair, especially with the sort of Jack Sparrow hair beads shown in the headshot closeup. (I might be seeing things?) The long coat and white hair remind me a little of Dante from Devil May Cry. Relm…Jillian used the perfect word. Bulb. You know what she kind of looks like with the bulbous hat and pants? A human hourglass.

Joey

Wait, I thought hourglass figures were supposed to be appealing? I guess it just gets weird on children. I do think Setzer’s hair could use a little managing. It’s wild style conflicts with his otherwise controlled dress.

Jillian

But the “hourglass” portion is supposed to be elsewhere, not your head and knees. There also appears to be a random hole in the top of her hat to let one wisp of hair out for no reason. I think Setzer needs the wild hair or else he’ll look too put-together. I hadn’t noticed the Jack Sparrow beads before Erin mentioned them, but those actually lose points for me: too Michael Scott just back from Jamaica.

Final Scores

	Setzer	Relm
Erin	6	3
Joey	7	3
Jillian	8	4
Total	7/10	3.5/10