Fashion Panel | Super Smash Bros. WiiU/3DS – Part 2

We reviewed a lot of the clothes-less characters in our last Smash Bros. Fashion Panel, so this time it’s nice to have some more “fashion” to dive into. Yes, fashion includes a tongue-scarf in this scenario.

This week: some animals that actually wear clothes, and Ike.
ssb_2

Fox, Greninja, Ike, King Dedede, Kirby


SmashBros_Fox

Jillian

Fox’s face changes shape every year and it looks like he’s adopted brown contact lenses this time around. He’s got this half-terrified, half “wah-waaah” look in his portraits that isn’t really befitting a star-travelling, universe-saving anthropomorphic fox. Clothing-wise, I like most of his color combos, although I prefer him with the traditional rusty red fur to help differentiate from Wolf. He looks especially good in #5, the salmon shirt with blue scarf, which is giving off a bit of a Nathan Drake vibe with those dark khakis.

Joey

First a disclaimer: After years of being beat into the ground by pro Fox players, I’ve grown an aversion to his stupid smug face. In fact, his profile picture in this game looks more smuggy than ever before and I want to play Smash Bros. right now just to beat on him. I agree with Jillian that the red fur is a must. Dead Daddy Fox would be spinning in his space grave if he saw his son adventuring looking like Star Wolf. None of the red fur options have a color scheme that scream “star ship pilot,” but #3 whispers “I guess I could be worn in space.” So that’s my pick. Random aside: did you know that the Star Fox characters are known in the Smash Bros. community as the “Space Animals”?

 

SmashBros_Greninja

Jillian

I had to look up other pictures of Greninja to figure out that that scarf is actually his tongue, which is freaking me out. One, because gross. Two, because it’s changing color on each of his palette swaps and I’m really concerned about the liver health of numbers 5, 6, and 7. This guy is just bizarre to look at and has way more of a robotic Digimon or Gundam vibe than a frog-Pokémon. If I were forced to play as him, I guess the yellow and black #4 is the least visually offensive. But what’s with the giant shiny opals stuck in his overly muscular joint sockets? And why the bat-like ears? Okay, honestly, I can’t get past the tongue, but this is to just to say, he’s a total mess.

Joey

Usually I’m a sucker for scarves, but I draw the line at scarves made of your own body parts. This guy is almost single-handedly keeping me from playing the new Pokémon. I prefer them cute and cuddly. Not weird and confusing. Jillian has already commented on all the upsetting things involved in his appearance. Really, I dislike them all but #6 is most similar to an actual frog so I’ll go with that one.

 

SmashBros_Ike

Jillian

I’ve only played one Fire Emblem game and Ike wasn’t in it, so there may be a canon reason for this–but with all these different colors, I wish his sword changed appearance, too. The gold works well in some instances (#5) and less in others (#8). His boots also have this really weird shape and gloss that make his feet look like they were copy-pasted from an N64 game. His headband/crown/sweatwrap is so dark in every palette that it might as well just be a braid of hair. Color-wise, I like him best in dark, non-shiny pants, so #s 3, 6, or 8 are the only acceptable variations.

Joey

Yay! Actual humans! Ike’s whole deal is that he’s supposed to be a gruff and tough mercenary-turned-hero. So I think a less royal color scheme works best in order to differentiate him from Marth. It’s a bit of a toss up between #1 and #3 for me. Some of the others (like #8 and #6) look okay, but they’re not a good fit for Ike. #5 isn’t a good fit for anyone.

 

SmashBros_Dedede

Jillian

King Dedede is the first character whose variations are actually interesting–the cloth pattern on his cummerbund changes with each color swap! Pattern-wise, I think something lighter and more subtle works with his, uh, figure. Wide stripes and checkers are just accentuating the fact that he spends most of his time in gourmet food races. #s 2 and 4 are figure-flattering, although I do love that #3 proves he has a Kirby cummerbund in his closet. For colors, I like the penguin-esque arctic look of #s 5 and 7, but since he is a “King,” he looks most comfortable and regal in #4’s royal purple, whose pink gloves are surprisingly not infuriating. Side note: his portrait is adorable and very “grade school picture day.”

Joey

Different patterns!? My god, Nintendo. You’ve really outdone yourselves this time. I’m not sure if King Dedede is supposed to be menacing or silly. Personally, he kind of terrifies me. If a fat penguin was chasing me with a giant hammer I’d probably wet myself. As mentioned before, I like my animals with more natural skin tones, so my pick is #8. The purple sweater makes him a little less intimidating, but I just can’t approve of a sky blue penguin.

 

SmashBros_Kirby

Jillian

After, what, 16,000 games?, it’s hard to picture Kirby as anything but the pink puff ball, unless you’re often relegated to Player 2 position. I really like #6, black-and-white GameBoy Kirby, but am terrified of #8, soulless eyes rotted jack-o-lantern Kirby. And while I know Kirby is something of a blank canvas on which adorable costumes and items are bestowed when you inhale someone, it still would have been nice to see more color variation here: stripes or polka-dots, at least. Favorite little touch: his cheek blush changes color with the rest of him. (Another reason #8 is so creepy: no adorable blush.)

Joey

Okay, obviously #1 is the best. Pink fluff balls should remain pink fluff balls. Kirby is going for maximum cute, so #3 also kind of works. The others evoke too much non-cute emotion. #4 has an angry (or too much hot sauce) vibe, #5 has a sickly (or too much rotten food) vibe, and #8 has an evil (or too much bowling ball) vibe. I think at some point we’ll have to get a gallery of Kirby with all his hats so we can discuss them.

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Fashion Panel | Super Smash Bros. WiiU/3DS – Part 1

There are a crazy number of characters and an even crazier number of costumes (err, palette swaps) in the recently released/upcoming Smash Bros. games. So, of course, we have to dish on them.

Up first: a bunch of naked dinosaurs and monkeys, and Captain Falcon.
SSB_1

Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Charizard, Bowser, Captain Falcon


Reference images are credited to a great set of galleries at Super Smash Bros. Wikia and Games Radar.

SSB_DonkeyKong

Joey

My god. It’s like all my least favorite Nintendo characters in one go. Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong because they’re damned dirty apes. Charizard because having him means you passed on Squirtle (aka best starter Pokémon). Captain Falcon because he can’t say “punch” correctly. Bowser’s cool though.

Donkey: That goofy ape expression on his mug makes it hard to choose a winner between his palettes. I guess Original and black are the most true-to-life. I like my monkeys to know their place. That means no dye-jobs. That’s a human privilege! Worst would be a tie between green and pink. Even when given the chance to dye, you shouldn’t use the worst colors for hair/fur. Note: I might have to do an Op Ed on green/pink haired characters.

Erin

Donkey Kong’s color-changing looks the weirdest out of all of these. I can accept a pink Charizard, but a pink ape? Yellow? Even worse. As for his one fashionable accessory, the collar, they’re all surprisingly ok, with the exception of #8. Pink hair and…what is that? Light brown? Mustard? It’s not nice. I realize we’re judging fictional characters here, but I have to draw the line somewhere. The only colorful primates I’m ok with are those scary mandrills.

Jillian

Monkey-hate is one of the few things in life Joey and I agree on, along with the fact that Donkey probably doesn’t deserve a fashion critique. That said, he looks really good in black and I’m beginning to wish it was his default shade. This definitely feels like a missed opportunity to change up his same-‘ol-same-‘ol necktie routine, though. A fur-and-tie color swap is okay, but why not give him some other accessories? Maybe a Chiquita banana headdress is too cliche, but it would distract from his giant monkey face and give him some dedicated projectile ammo.

 

SSB_DiddyKong

Joey

Even worse than Donkey Kong. At least he only wears a tie. This sack of monkey has two articles of clothing? Two too many. At least his fur-dyes aren’t as bad. As for the clothes themselves, #7 is least punchable and #5 makes me want to get this game so I can beat him up.

Erin

Diddy Kong, you look like a super nerd, but it’s ok. Your worst look is the lime green crop top with burgundy hair (agreed with Joey). Everything else is kind of ok. Overall, it’s a whole lot of meh. I don’t like the inconsistency of the color patterns/trim of the hats and tops. I think the original red looks best.

Jillian

I can never decide if Diddy Kong is a wannabe jock or hipster, but these color palettes are making me lean towards ironic tragic figure. He manages pink a lot better than his “uncle,” but the green has burned holes in my retinas. I actually like the gray with red trim best; the original all-red blends in with his fur too much, while the gray is toned down but still distinct, which seems like a good goal if you’re a monkey that’s randomly decided to wear clothes.

 

SSB_Charizard

Joey

Ok, monkey rage subsiding. Not much to choose from here. The colors in the portraits don’t really match the model, otherwise #5’s model would be my choice. I still think #1 best fits the whole fire-breathing dragon thing.

Erin

Charizard, you smooth, smooth dragon.You look great in any color. You keep doing you. I especially like the blue and the purple/green combo. The latter reminds me of Spike the little dragon from My Little Pony (original)…or I guess the new kind, too. Sigh.

Jillian

I’m kind of mesmerized by lavender Charizard, #6. I guess because “I’m going to murder you” ice-blue eyes look good on lavender. That said, there’s way too many reddish shades going on here. I know he’s a fire Pokémon, but let’s try something zany like silver, or a maybe stripes! Okay, those technically aren’t ridiculously crazy ideas, but compared to Blandy McOneColor over here, they’re pretty wackadoodle.

 

SSB_Bowser

Joey

As the villain of the series, Bowser should look intimidating. Fierce even! But like, the villainous fierce. Not the Tyra Banks kind. #4 I think does the best job of having an imposing color sequence. By that same reasoning, #8 is the worst. I might be able to buy a blue lizard. But a blue-skinned demon turtle? C’mon!

Erin

I have never liked Bowser, he is super ugs. His menacing turtle-beast appearance is offensive even in pink. If I really had to choose, I’d say he looks the most professional in the grayish hue? Rawr.

Jillian

I really enjoy that Erin picked the “most professional” Bowser and am having trouble arguing with that. I’m confused by #6, the aqua-green and pink combo: I like it, but also hate it because it seems super lazy. It’s just his original coloring with the contrast turned up. I’m going to vote for the three that change his collar/armband spikes to gold, because after all these years of kidnapping princesses and wreaking havoc, he should be able to afford an upgrade.

 

SSB_CaptainFalcon

Joey

I never realized that his abs are showing through his shirt before. Unless it’s a Batman suit sort of thing? In any event, #2 is the least ab-showcasey so I’m going with that as my favorite. #6 has the dual problem of hot pink and light cloth max transparency. Worst!

Erin

I don’t even know who you are Captain Falcon, but you look like you’re ready for your après-ski cup of hot chocolate after a hard day on the bunny slopes. I like #2 and #5, the rest are gross, man. #6 and #7 are especially tacky.

Jillian

Now that Joey’s pointed out the skin-tight abs, I can’t see anything else. Stupid sexy Falcon! Trying to push forward: Falcon has always seemed like a bit of a dandy to me, with his scarf and half-popped collar (you’re a futuristic space ship racer, not an 1890s Sunday driver). So I think he actually pulls off most of these vibrant color combos. I’m giving it to #3, the dark pink with yellow scarf, because I think it would stand out the best from the green-glassed cockpit of the Blue Falcon.

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Mog/Umaro/Gogo

ffvi_mogumarogogo
ffvi_mogumarogogo_bonus

Final Fantasy VI Mog/Umaro/Gogo


Joey

Ugh. Even Umaro has weird Patrick Swayze hair. I’m not quite sure what to say about Mog, he’s cute and I like that he dances, but compared to other moogles, he’s not that special. I can barely look at Gogo without retching.

Erin

Gogo LOOKS like vomit, that’s probably why, Joey. Honestly, Umaro doesn’t fare much better. Abominable Snowman Barney? Mog wins this hands down not only for being adorable, but also for his glass of wine, for grooming, and general lack of disgusting headgear.

Jillian

This is a bit unfair since Gogo’s the only one actually wearing clothing, but I can’t ignore the resulting catastrophe. He’s like a post-shopping spree explosion at Jo-Ann Fabrics. Umaro needs to borrow some of Gogo’s spoils and cover up: those muscle rolls and World’s Strongest Man pose are not doing it for me. Mog is white in some instances and dingy beige in others: stop binge-drinking and take a bath.

Erin

It’s been a while since I looked back at these three and woof. My reaction to Gogo and Umaro are just as visceral. Still gross. Gogo is wearing one horn off to the side, not even unicorn style! Maybe I’m seeing this wrong? The lack of symmetry bothers me. Umaro would be just as gross even if he dressed up like his sort of look-a-like, the Great Grape Ape from Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Putting on my blinders and pretending Mog is the only one in this group.

Joey

I think I’m going to throw out a 1 (!) for Gogo. Everything about his look is offensive to me. I can’t imagine an outfit being significantly uglier than his. I also realized that Umaro is basically a white-furred ape. I don’t care for apes. I’m not sure if any clothing or fur-stylings would help him, but I definitely don’t approve of this nude look he’s got going on.

Jillian

I’m going to try to find one good thing about Gogo because I feel bad about the ultra-dumping he’s taken. His, uh, dragon-bird-hat thing looks soft. Umaro needs a fur trim. Mog wins by process of horrified elimination.


Final Scores

  Mog Umaro Gogo
Joey 5 2 1
Erin 8 1 1
Jillian 4 3 2
Total 5.5/10 2/10 1.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Strago/Gau/Shadow

ffvi_stragogaushadow

Final Fantasy VI Strago/Gau/Shadow


Jillian

Shadow’s clothes seem way too tight for a ninja. Also, giant shoulder spike is probably counterintuitive to ninja-ing about. I always thought Gau was wearing a torn shirt, but his chibi portrait looks like a poncho. It’s a bit too mom-out-on-the-town for an orphaned wild child, especially when paired with the polka-dotted skirt. Strago is obviously a mess and appears to have woken up and thrown his mage-cape over his pajamas. Or, based on his red-nosed portrait, he’s just drunk.

Erin

I agree about the too tight clothes. Paired with the motorcycle helmet, I feel like I need more air. Gau…this outfit is pretty weird, but just finding out he’s a wild child..it makes more sense? Fred Flintstone meets Hunter S. Thompson? Good call with Strago on the pajamas, Jillian. He even has the matching bedhead. That cape collar is something else.

Joey

Shadow is as generic looking as they come, but I’m going to give him a bonus point for naming his dog “Interceptor.” I’m not sure if Gau’s top qualifies as a poncho, it’s so small. What it does qualify for, though, is being ugly. Strago’s outfit is a mess of assorted patterned cloth. I feel like even a clown would look at him and think “dial it back, old man.”

Jillian

Clown insults, ouch. Strago gets a few points for rocking the weirdest old man hair possible, with that ridiculously long mohawk and mouth-eclipsing mustache. Gau loses a few more points for what appear to be heel straps with no wraps. In Shadow’s portrait the red lining of his hood looks like a creepy smile–is he the clown that’s abusing Strago? If so, extra points.

Joey

Gau loses even more points for his sideburns-ponytail-flattop haircut. I disagree about the Strago haircut. There’s a time and a place for mohawks and senility isn’t it. I know this game is old, but I just can’t with these hairstyles. I suspect that Shadow looks like this under the mask.

Erin

I once had a crazy old relative who came to a party and insisted that Montell Jordan’s popular hit “This is how we do it” be played because it was her jam. Joey, I think that would be the equivalent to Strago’s senile mohawk. Also, I thought Shadow was a woman, pardon me for being a ponytail sexist. Overall, I think Shadow has the advantage…generic wins over tacky this time.


Final Scores

Strago Gau Shadow
Jillian 4 3 5
Erin 3.5 2 5
Joey 3 3 4
Total 3.5/10 2.5/10 4.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Setzer/Relm

ffvi_setzerrelm

Final Fantasy VI Setzer/Relm


Erin

Toad? Is that you, pretending to be Strawberry Shortcake? Relm, what are you thinking? I like her colors, but those bottoms are a little diaper-y. Setzer is a lot of coat and hair and black and gold, but nothing is really standing out.

Joey

I was thinking those pants were less diaper-y and more MC Hammer-y. And as an Oakland native, I will never naysay the hammer pants. That headgear though? Yikes. I like Setzer’s coat and his puffy shirt.

Jillian

This girl couldn’t look more different in each variation: she’s obviously wearing an oversized red bow in sprite-form, but randomly has a gypsy scarf-hat on in her portrait? Also not sure where the hammer pants came from in the chibi shot, but they’re terrible. There’s not even a leg separation, it’s just a giant pant-bulb. Setzer has always been one of the best-dressed FFVI characters; love the oversized coat with the popped collar and the long, devil-may-care hair. He pulls it off.

Erin

On second glance, I really like Setzer’s silvery white hair, especially with the sort of Jack Sparrow hair beads shown in the headshot closeup. (I might be seeing things?) The long coat and white hair remind me a little of Dante from Devil May Cry. Relm…Jillian used the perfect word. Bulb. You know what she kind of looks like with the bulbous hat and pants? A human hourglass.

Joey

Wait, I thought hourglass figures were supposed to be appealing? I guess it just gets weird on children. I do think Setzer’s hair could use a little managing. It’s wild style conflicts with his otherwise controlled dress.

Jillian

But the “hourglass” portion is supposed to be elsewhere, not your head and knees. There also appears to be a random hole in the top of her hat to let one wisp of hair out for no reason. I think Setzer needs the wild hair or else he’ll look too put-together. I hadn’t noticed the Jack Sparrow beads before Erin mentioned them, but those actually lose points for me: too Michael Scott just back from Jamaica.


Final Scores

Setzer Relm
Erin 6 3
Joey 7 3
Jillian 8 4
Total 7/10 3.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Celes/Cyan

FFVI_CelesCyan
Final Fantasy VI Celes/Cyan


Jillian

First off, I’m ignoring Cyan’s chibi version because dat mustache. Despite being an honorable old knight, he can’t pull off the scraggly ponytail. Let it go, man. Celes is obviously one of the most beautiful and powerful women in Final Fantasy history. So why does she wear a leotard as armor? It’s way too Street Fighter Cammy and not enough badass army general.

Joey

Cyan’s chibi moustache is amazing, but I agree about the ponytail. Anyone that old shouldn’t have hair that long. Meanwhile Celes’s headband ruins any kind of general cred she might hope to have. She looks like she would fit in more on the set of The Warriors.

Erin

Could Cyan look any more like a bad guy with that mustache? Celes better watch out or she’ll end up tied to some train tracks. Agree on the headband…trying to pull out some bangs there does nothing to make it look better. The closeup of her head has a much nicer headpiece styling.

Jillian

Erin’s spot on, that’s a pure silent film thumb-twirlin’-mustache if there ever was one. I think chibi version of Celes is misleading as well; she’s obviously wearing barrettes, not an ’80s work-out video headband. I’m giving her extra points for the power cape that has built-in shoulder pad armor and flows around her sprite so elegantly–simultaneously dainty and strong.

Joey

I had totally forgotten that Celes also has the only wardrobe change in the game, where she really improves all around. Well done, Celes. Cyan should have taken note. Even Celes’ hair length is more manageable.

Erin

Whoa, Joey, that dress is awesome! You’d never know that the little chibi and this pretty lady are supposed to be the same person. As for Cyan…lipstick on a pig? I don’t think anything can help this guy.


Final Scores

Celes Cyan
Jillian 7 4
Joey 7 3
Erin 6.5 3
Total 7/10 3.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Sabin/Edgar

FFVI_EdgarSabin
Final Fantasy VI Sabin/Edgar


Joey

Sabin and Edgar are two of my favorite characters in FFVI, mostly because of Edgar’s shameless flirting and Sabin suplexing trains. However, it’s like they are competing with each other for worst hair in the series. Buzz cut gone awry plus a rat tail? Super long ponytail with two ribbons? Dial it back brothers.

Erin

Two brothers that look like they’re from different worlds. Fable vs Street Fighter? Heath Ledger in The Patriot vs Dolph Lundgren in Rocky 4. Edgar brings the class with two bows, while Sabin’s rattail looks ready to bust some skulls.

Jillian

Love Edgar, but his portrait is always a little “creepy Lestat.” And Sabin looks about a decade older despite being the younger twin, thanks to weird gray skin tint. Too much time in the mountains? However, Edgar pulls off the totally unnecessary double bows and Sabin can certainly rock a purple muscle tank.

Erin

Oh my god, “creepy Lestat” is a perfect description for Edgar. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before, but Sabin is definitely dressed like Aladdin. Sure, it’s a fierce tank instead of an open vest, but really all he needs is a little monkey friend. While both are stylish, I’m partial to Edgar’s full blown regalia.

Joey

You’ve given me more appreciation for Sabin by pointing out the Aladdin resemblance. I do like the pants and scarf/belt combo. Very martial arts. Meanwhile comparing Edgar to a vampire has ruined him in my eyes. Well done Jillian. Also FFVI lovers=Twilight Fans now.

Jillian

Sabin’s a little too beefy for me to really view him as scrawny starving street rat Aladdin, but the scarf/belt does bring up memories of Arabian Nights. His sprite hairstyle is totally Bad Dudes, though.  I won’t apologize for Edgar-vampire. He’s a total ladies man and he lives in a castle that can burrow underground, basically a giant stone coffin. Also, he kills people with chainsaws while wearing double-bows, so extra credit there.


Final Scores

Sabin Edgar
Joey 6 4
Erin 5 7
Jillian 5 6
Total 5.5/10 5.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy VI Terra/Locke

terralockehorizontal

Terra/Locke


Joey

As much as I like Locke as a character, the collar up sleeveless vest makes him look like a tough guy in some cheesy 80s flick. Terra’s original look has a shoulder pad ratio of like 1:1. That is way too high.

Jillian

I’ll give ’80s tough guy Locke the benefit of the doubt and assume the high collar and lack of restrictive armwear is helpful in sneakery-slash-thievery. His hair, even in 1994 pixelated form, is pretty impressive–very wind-blowable. I’m having trouble reconciling the two Terra pictures. Rigid shoulder pad central on one version, supple bare-armed on the other. So I’ll just say: red dress, green hair, no way. It’s never Christmastime in Final Fantasy VI.

Erin

It’s a holly, jolly Terra, and I’m on board. Something about that green/teal hair screams sass to me. I like it. I’m with you on the shoulder pads, she looks like a linebacker. As for Locke, I enjoy his jean vest, although it seems to me like he wants to steal the Karate Kid’s lunch money. Is Locke also wearing Uggs?

Joey

Those do look like laced up Uggs! Disapproval! I suspect that he’s wearing a tank top underneath. I do like the red/green combo on Terra and everything from the waist up is pleasant, but those white patterned leggings look like an easter egg gone awry. Truth of the Universe #325: white leggings are unacceptable. Addendum to Truth of the Universe #325: White leggings with patterns on them are even more unacceptable.

Jillian

Is dressing like a Christmas tree a popular past time in California? I won’t forgive Terra for the red and green combo, but I do love her made-for-kicking-ass boots and dress that looks like it secretly doubles as body armor (again, chibi version, the modern version looks like a rug from the entrance to a Thai restaurant). I don’t see visible fur on Locke’s boots so I think they’re Ugg-free. But the plain white Calvin Klein undershirt is a bit too “I’m not even trying.” We know you are, Locke.

Erin

You’ve convinced me that Locke isn’t sporting Uggs, so he gains a full point back from me. I can’t help it, I think Terra’s devil may care attitude with the color mixing and that delightful costume jewelry is fierce! I can even forgive the shoulder pads. Is my love of her just because I secretly wish I had teal hair? Maybe, but I’m okay with that.


Final Scores:

Terra Locke
Joey 6 5
Jillian 6 7
Erin 8 6
Total 6.5/10 6/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy V Cast

FFV_All
Final Fantasy V Cast


Jillian

It’s really hard to find a good picture to use for FFV. All the “official” (but non-Amano) art is super-deformed, so that will be the primary basis. I think this fan art does a pretty accurate job of translating their freelancer outfits, except I’m not sure where Galuf is in the image. And here’s a picture of the characters as dogs, for some reason.

Bartz: Possibly the most boring outfit ever for one of the most boring characters ever. It’s just…nothingness. It’s skin-colored pants and shirt with a blue tunic over it. I assume the blue tunic is just so we know he’s not naked, because it seems a little flashy for Bartz. Have always liked his hair though, it’s the like the reverse Flock of Seagulls ‘do.

Lenna: Lenna was rocking the short orange dress way before Selphie tried to. Before getting hooked on What’s Not to Wear?, I would have said “Pink hair with orange dress!?” but I’ve learned that different colors apparently rarely clash, so I guess it’s okay. Otherwise, very straightforward and boring as well. A belt, a necklace, and what appear to be (in the super-deformed picture) ballet shoes? Not sure why, but I like that random addition.

Faris: I don’t hate Faris’s outfit, but it doesn’t really scream “pirate” to me, despite the fact that she was living as a pirate king prior to joining up with Bartz. The scarfy-shoulder thing is pretty badass and also serves the double function of hiding her chest (double pun intended). Her super-deformed shoes appear to be suede boots with metal blades on top, which is possibly the coolest thing ever.

Galuf: I’m sure Joey’ll give him guff just for being old, but his outfit is one of the better ones in FFV. The yellow/purple/blue color combo is interesting but not nauseating, it seems comfortable and functional, but has a little pop thanks to the pointy vest shoulders. Also, props for being one of the few FF characters to be able to grow a beard.

Krile: Galuf_Krile_ReunitedKrile gets points for having amazing hair–look at that ponytail! It’s so wavy and thick. Otherwise, another boring outfit. Her shoulders are pointy and match her grandpa’s, which is cute, but minus points for lack of originality. In the iOS remake, her character portrait is disgustingly sexualized, considering she’s just a little kid. So extra minus points for that abomination.

Overall: Final Fantasy V’s outfits are just dull, boring, and uninspired–possibly because they spend most of their time dressed up in job class outfits, but that’s no excuse for not having a good base to start from. Unless we want to go into the billion different job outfits.

Joey

This is the only game with named characters that I haven’t played and I’ve realized they have the dumbest names in the series. I’m also not sure which person is which.

Bartz: The hair does have a weird wispy appeal to it. Some product, but not ridiculously spiky like some later protagonists.

Lenna: I like orange dresses but minus points for pink hair. Also is she a ballerina? Why is she the only one on her tippytoes?

Gauf: I don’t hate the Old Man hair/beard but his purple/turquoise jacket/blazer seems a bit Lane Bryant too me. I suspect there are shoulder pads beneath it.

Faris: Faris_artworkHer outfit isn’t terrible, but I agree that it won’t get her much pirate reputation. I feel like no one would join her crew because she’s a woman, and her pink hair just makes it worse. The character artwork makes her seem so much more pirate-like, but it doesn’t match her sprite whatsoever.

Krile: What a weird name. Is it pronounced like the animal that whales eat? How old is she? Her hair does look voluminous so points for that.

Overall: I’m not too impressed but not disgusted either. It would take too long to judge all the different jobs, but overall I think they have some good looks that are classic Final Fantasy. I’m going to bump up their score based on this image: look at that tiger hat!

Erin

I don’t know these characters, so the first image I saw was the characters-as-dogs fan art. I am really interested in playing that game. Or, adopting these dogs. I can’t stop laughing at whomever that is supposed to be on the bottom, but would def win 1st place at Westminster. Moving on.

Bartz: I think his approach here is sort of like what I’ve heard about makeup: play up your eyes or your lips, but don’t do both. He’s favored his coif over his tunic, because focusing on both would be too much for us to handle. The decision was a success because you both noticed what great hair he has…and was precisely what he wanted you to say.

Lenna: She’s cute, but I don’t think she stands out. I don’t quite see what she’s going for…if the dress was maybe a one shoulder number, or perhaps draped a different way, she’d have a bit of a Roman/Gladiator thing happening with the strappy shoes.

Faris: I would have never known she was supposed to be a pirate. That scarf is the worst. I feel strangled just looking at it.

Galuf: Is he wearing jammies and a robe? He IS pretty old, so maybe he is, and if so…good for him. Kickin’ it comfy style.

Krile: One of these things is not like the others. Is she on her way to math class? She looks like the kid that gets dragged along to grownup places because mom and dad won’t get a babysitter. Her outfit is a uniform and from my Catholic high school background, I know that uniforms do not reflect personal style…so, she’s neutral in my book.

Overall: I’m disappointed by the lack of effort, but impressed by the amount of hair.


Final Scores

Final Fantasy V Cast
Jillian 3
Joey 5
Erin 3
Total 3.5/10

Fashion Panel | Final Fantasy IV Cast

FFIV_All
Final Fantasy IV Cast


Joey

Okay, now we’re getting to the good stuff. Also, named characters that I know! Yay! This one is tough because I think it has the most remakes so there are like 7 different versions to look at. I’m going to go with the DS remake portraits shown on the character section of this website.

Cecil: I know we’ve discussed how much more I liked Dark Knight Cecil, and seeing them side-by-side only reaffirms my position. Paladin Cecil exposes his face, has silly shoulder horns, and this weird purple zebra motif going for him. Dark Knight Cecil may be plain, but he’s so much more intimidating.

Kain: My boy Kain over here doesn’t opt for the softer side of Sears and stays man-mode throughout the game. Dragoon is usually one of my favorite classes and Kain is representing them well here.

Rosa: If shoulder spikeys are silly on Paladin Cecil, then they’re doubly ridiculous on White Mage Rosa. It’s not terrible, but why is her crotch piece purple? I thought our attention was supposed to be on her bazongas. There’s too much distraction happening.

Rydia: I think Rydia’s revealing outfit is more scandalous since you met her as a little girl. It’s like losing touch with your daughter only to find out she grew  up to be a stripper. Her shoulder-less top is either an ancestor or descendant of Quistis’ later look. Also, too much green. You’re not a thief, Rydia! Still, it has a Jennifer-Lopez-At-The Grammy’s appeal to it.

Edward: I take back my earlier claim that a feather can fix hats. No feather in the world could save this hat-disaster. It’s like a cross between fedora and bowler hat. Unacceptable. I won’t even look at the rest of his outfit.

Edge: I guess a ninja needs freedom of arm movement, but I think he has more exposed back than necessary. Still, he’s rocking the bandana in proper face-concealing fashion and looks fine for the most part.

Yang: Here is where the wheels start coming off on FFIV’s quest for the top spot. I know the bald pony tail look is a thing for Chinese monks and all, but it just looks always looks atrocious when I see it. That coupled with polka dot PJs and brand tattoos make Yang the worst dressed of the bunch.

Palom and Porom: Oops. Spoke too soon. Palom’s the worse offender with his bowl cut, but both of them are pattern calamities. I know they’re just kids, but I don’t know how the rest of the party could stand to be seen with them. I would have kicked them to the curb unless they got some new duds.

Jillian

Cecil: Agree with Joey on the purple zebra motif, and also what’s that flame-like marking on his stomach? Very Lion King but totally out of the blue. However, I’ve always thought Dark Knight Cecil was way over the top and he’s still over the top here. He looks like he’s wearing some crazy Mass Effect armor; it’s too space age-y and skin tight for their time period. And why the giant spikes on his shoulders? Is he fending off surprise Buster shoulder rubs? And Joey: you forgave Dark Knight Cecil for shoulder spikes but not Paladin Cecil.

Kain: Kain’s outfit does seem fitting for a badass dragoon, although it’s more of a leotard than armor–if you look closely, only small sections of his body are actually armored. Also, did a giant fairy get smooshed on his stomach? What is that thing? It seriously looks like magical roadkill that he peeled up and plastered to his midsection.

Rosa: I want to hate her outfit, but I really like that lacey, see-through cape. The purple crotch piece is pretty insane, especially considering everything else is so white or muted. And does she have Christmas lights hanging from her waist? Also, what are those things on her knees? She has short boots on that stop at her ankles, so these are like golden-and-ruby Batarangs that got stuck to her.

Rydia: Agreed on the child-turned stripper issue, especially because her bio on that page says “A young girl from Mist.” Maybe that was the only way to pay her bills in the Land of Summoned Monsters. The arm sleeves look heavy and cumbersome; if you’re cold, put on a damn sweater. Her boots appear to be thigh-highs that attach to her leotard, which is crazy and probably makes it nearly impossible to go to the bathroom.

Edward: Oh, Edward. Do you think he’s sad because Anna died or because of what he’s wearing? Not only does the feather not save that hat, it’s definitely ridiculously too small for his head. His poofy pants and five-layered shirt are doing nothing for me. His hair is…fine.

Edge: It seems like that ridiculously oversized cape would get in the way of his ninja-ing. He’s about to snag it on his ninja stars in that picture. The little flowy half-skirt seems to be a thing for ninja-like characters, like the Prince of Persia, but I’m not sure why it’s necessary unless he has some secret butt stealth moves that need to be concealed.

Yang: Agree on the bald + ponytail, and it’s especially egregious with modern Yang because they’ve made him not Chinese at all. He’s just some American/British dude that’s trying to look like a monk and failing hard. Clown pants that he has to tie down to be functional, a billion arm bangles, and giant shoulder tattoo that probably means something dirty in Chinese culture that he wasn’t aware of add up to worst-dressed, totally.

Palom and Porom: They appear to be wearing basically the same thing with colors inverted (which is true in the original as well), so I’m combining them. Are they seriously wearing onesies? They’re kids, but they’re not babies. Also suffer from giant-jewel-on-chest disorder that our friend in FFIII had. Porom beats her brother because the bowl cut + tiny ponytail is the worst, and her boots are less “I’m a mage from Texas.”

Erin

Cecil: I agree on the Paladin Cecil vs Dark Knight Cecil. DKC’s armor is pretty amazing and I don’t think it would be as impressive without the funny horns/growths(?)…but the horns just don’t look as good on Paladin Cecil and it could be because there are fewer. He’s so sickly looking that I’m concerned for him. I do like his white body armor and would not like an elbow to the face with one of those gauntlets.

Kain: At first, I thought he looked pretty silly with his purple accents, turtle tummy, and giant shrimp fork. Then I thought, oh maybe it’s not so bad. Then I changed my mind for the final time. It’s a pretty silly outfit. The only component I like is his dragon helmet.

Rosa: This outfit is straight up lingerie with horn shoulder pads and ugly boots but I feel the same way Jillian does—I kinda like it, if only for her gorgeous cape. The granny panties and clunky boots were a huge mistake, though.

Edward: NO. All he needs is a wispy little mustache and a mason jar for tips and he could busk on the street in Portland. Get out of here with that hat, you pouty wimp.

Edge: I agree that his outfit is impractical given his choice of weapon. I don’t understand the apron/belly dancing hip cloth. I like his boots over everything else. I wonder if he shaves or waxes?

Yang: I don’t think much else can be said, except my ears hurt looking at his dumb earrings. He’s terrible.

Porom and Palom: I have to assume these Bananas in Pajamas don’t dress themselves and probably moonlight at Barnum and Bailey. Every single thing is bad—the haircuts, the attitude in their faces, the weird eyeball pattern inside their capes…I’m so glad I’m not ending with these future washed up child stars.

Rydia: I love everything—her hair, her cool boots, the beaded straps on her leotard. I do think the one piece number needs something else…a sarong? More impractical sleeves? Overall, even with the more ridiculous aspects of all of their outfits, they might be the best so far. Except the creepy twins.


Final Scores

Final Fantasy IV Cast
Joey 6.5
Jillian 7
Erin 7
Total 7/10