There are a crazy number of characters and an even crazier number of costumes (err, palette swaps) in the recently released/upcoming Smash Bros. games. So, of course, we have to dish on them.

Up first: a bunch of naked dinosaurs and monkeys, and Captain Falcon.

Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Charizard, Bowser, Captain Falcon

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Reference images are credited to a great set of galleries at Super Smash Bros. Wikia and Games Radar.

Joey

My god. It’s like all my least favorite Nintendo characters in one go. Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong because they’re damned dirty apes. Charizard because having him means you passed on Squirtle (aka best starter Pokémon). Captain Falcon because he can’t say “punch” correctly. Bowser’s cool though.

Donkey: That goofy ape expression on his mug makes it hard to choose a winner between his palettes. I guess Original and black are the most true-to-life. I like my monkeys to know their place. That means no dye-jobs. That’s a human privilege! Worst would be a tie between green and pink. Even when given the chance to dye, you shouldn’t use the worst colors for hair/fur. Note: I might have to do an Op Ed on green/pink haired characters.

Erin

Donkey Kong’s color-changing looks the weirdest out of all of these. I can accept a pink Charizard, but a pink ape? Yellow? Even worse. As for his one fashionable accessory, the collar, they’re all surprisingly ok, with the exception of #8. Pink hair and…what is that? Light brown? Mustard? It’s not nice. I realize we’re judging fictional characters here, but I have to draw the line somewhere. The only colorful primates I’m ok with are those scary mandrills.

Jillian

Monkey-hate is one of the few things in life Joey and I agree on, along with the fact that Donkey probably doesn’t deserve a fashion critique. That said, he looks really good in black and I’m beginning to wish it was his default shade. This definitely feels like a missed opportunity to change up his same-‘ol-same-‘ol necktie routine, though. A fur-and-tie color swap is okay, but why not give him some other accessories? Maybe a Chiquita banana headdress is too cliche, but it would distract from his giant monkey face and give him some dedicated projectile ammo.

 

Joey

Even worse than Donkey Kong. At least he only wears a tie. This sack of monkey has two articles of clothing? Two too many. At least his fur-dyes aren’t as bad. As for the clothes themselves, #7 is least punchable and #5 makes me want to get this game so I can beat him up.

Erin

Diddy Kong, you look like a super nerd, but it’s ok. Your worst look is the lime green crop top with burgundy hair (agreed with Joey). Everything else is kind of ok. Overall, it’s a whole lot of meh. I don’t like the inconsistency of the color patterns/trim of the hats and tops. I think the original red looks best.

Jillian

I can never decide if Diddy Kong is a wannabe jock or hipster, but these color palettes are making me lean towards ironic tragic figure. He manages pink a lot better than his “uncle,” but the green has burned holes in my retinas. I actually like the gray with red trim best; the original all-red blends in with his fur too much, while the gray is toned down but still distinct, which seems like a good goal if you’re a monkey that’s randomly decided to wear clothes.

 

Joey

Ok, monkey rage subsiding. Not much to choose from here. The colors in the portraits don’t really match the model, otherwise #5’s model would be my choice. I still think #1 best fits the whole fire-breathing dragon thing.

Erin

Charizard, you smooth, smooth dragon.You look great in any color. You keep doing you. I especially like the blue and the purple/green combo. The latter reminds me of Spike the little dragon from My Little Pony (original)…or I guess the new kind, too. Sigh.

Jillian

I’m kind of mesmerized by lavender Charizard, #6. I guess because “I’m going to murder you” ice-blue eyes look good on lavender. That said, there’s way too many reddish shades going on here. I know he’s a fire Pokémon, but let’s try something zany like silver, or a maybe stripes! Okay, those technically aren’t ridiculously crazy ideas, but compared to Blandy McOneColor over here, they’re pretty wackadoodle.

 

Joey

As the villain of the series, Bowser should look intimidating. Fierce even! But like, the villainous fierce. Not the Tyra Banks kind. #4 I think does the best job of having an imposing color sequence. By that same reasoning, #8 is the worst. I might be able to buy a blue lizard. But a blue-skinned demon turtle? C’mon!

Erin

I have never liked Bowser, he is super ugs. His menacing turtle-beast appearance is offensive even in pink. If I really had to choose, I’d say he looks the most professional in the grayish hue? Rawr.

Jillian

I really enjoy that Erin picked the “most professional” Bowser and am having trouble arguing with that. I’m confused by #6, the aqua-green and pink combo: I like it, but also hate it because it seems super lazy. It’s just his original coloring with the contrast turned up. I’m going to vote for the three that change his collar/armband spikes to gold, because after all these years of kidnapping princesses and wreaking havoc, he should be able to afford an upgrade.

 

Joey

I never realized that his abs are showing through his shirt before. Unless it’s a Batman suit sort of thing? In any event, #2 is the least ab-showcasey so I’m going with that as my favorite. #6 has the dual problem of hot pink and light cloth max transparency. Worst!

Erin

I don’t even know who you are Captain Falcon, but you look like you’re ready for your après-ski cup of hot chocolate after a hard day on the bunny slopes. I like #2 and #5, the rest are gross, man. #6 and #7 are especially tacky.

Jillian

Now that Joey’s pointed out the skin-tight abs, I can’t see anything else. Stupid sexy Falcon! Trying to push forward: Falcon has always seemed like a bit of a dandy to me, with his scarf and half-popped collar (you’re a futuristic space ship racer, not an 1890s Sunday driver). So I think he actually pulls off most of these vibrant color combos. I’m giving it to #3, the dark pink with yellow scarf, because I think it would stand out the best from the green-glassed cockpit of the Blue Falcon.