Like his partner-in-unchanging-style series friend, Yoshi, Toad has managed to keep the same general outfit alive for a whopping three decades. We’re not sure if his giant mushroom topper is a physical part of his body*, but even putting potential head-spore deformities aside, this look needs some work. Each of our critics can select one item to dramatically improve Toad’s style, but will it be enough?

Jillian

Here’s the problem: Toad is short, wearing what appears to be a diaper, and yet is supposed to be a wise advisor-type in many of his Mario game roles. I just can’t take a man dressed as a baby seriously. We need to age him up, and quick. A bushy, man’s man’s mustache is the easiest way to immediately confirm: “This is not a toddler, although it may be a 19th century villain in disguise.” Making it a ridiculously oversized and distracting mustache will hopefully also help take focus off the disaster that is Toad from the neck down.

Joey

I was thinking about going on one of my patented “stupid hat” rants, but if there’s a chance that it’s a part of his body, I’d look like a total bigot for trashing on a person’s physical differences due to race. In any event, since that’s off the table, I’d like to address something else. I definitely agree that Toad has always looked too much like a baby, and those baby-diaper-looking pants(?) aren’t helping. If he were to simply button up his vest, it would help counter the baby look in two ways: first, to cover up the chest and second, to cover the diaper-looking waistline on his bottoms.

Erin

Ok, there are too many things I feel need to be done to Toad to improve his overall….whatever it is he has going on. The whole wheat dinner roll feet, the diaper, lack of shirt, his confusing mushroom hat…I would feel a lot better if we just planted him into a pot with wheels. Instant Mario Kart, no more Pampers booty, looks a little like Groot now, I like it.

*Erin later discovered this image which answers the hat vs. body part question, but we’re going to pretend we never saw that so we can continue to sleep at night.

Yoshi

Yoshi has stuck to his staple look for over 20 years: red saddle, Timberlands, goofy smile. We’ve seen dinosaurs in Mario’s universe wear a few accoutrements–Birdo’s bow, Boshi’s sunglasses–but otherwise, the species is pretty low-key. Given the opportunity to deck Yoshi out in only one new item, what would each of our critics choose to spice up his style?

Jillian

I think we need to reiterate the fact that this guy is an omnivorous, hundred million-year-old creature, and he will fucking eat you. Something to badass him up without making him PG-13. I’d give him a nose ring, which would also help camouflage whatever gigantism has taken over his ever-growing snout.

Erin

I mean, call me crazy, but I think the guy at LEAST deserves some teeth. Maybe not some giant pointy chompers, but at least enough to not feel like I’ll just be gummed to death.

Joey

After years of being mistreated by Mario, I think Yoshi should get something that tells the world “I’m not going to stand for this guy riding me, punching me in the face, and then leaving me to die.” My suggestion is a circular saw blade on his back on top of the saddle. It has the dual purpose of scaring off any would-be riders and also serves as a kind of mohawk.