All These Updates Don’t Fix Final Fantasy XV’s Biggest Flaw

I’m quite conflicted about how I feel about Final Fantasy XV. There are some things I love (warping everywhere), some things I dislike (everything about Ignis) and some things I’m conflicted about (photo realistic food). All of the recent patches and DLC announcements don’t fix the biggest problem with the game: Prompto has no sleeves.

Prompto

As seen above, even his “casual” outfit is sleeveless. I would understand if he had a gun show to display like Gladio here.

Gladio_FFXV

But no. He’s super thin. He’s the thinnest of the group! It just not a good look for him. And that bandana around his arm somehow makes it worse.

 

 

Click to reveal small endgame spoiler

Yes I know you can get an outfit for him at the end of the game, but by then it’s much too late as I’ve been blinded by his pasty arms for 99% of the game. I need a patch/DLC that covers him up from minute one.

 

 

Hot takes from the crew:

Erin: He looks like a youngish lady English teacher trying too hard to be cool.

Jillian: I feel like I need to feed this kid a sandwich.

Lorelle: He’s gonna get a sunburn.

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One Item Makeover Extended | Samurai Warriors’ Koshosho

For those of you unfamiliar with the series, Samurai Warriors is a hack-and-slash game set in Japan’s Sengoku Era. The era is filled with historical figures and the latest game features 55 characters that are based on them. Now, obviously, many of them have been stylistically modernized and exaggerated to fit in a game world with insane action.

For example, the historical Nobunaga Oda was depicted in paintings like this:
Odanobunaga

The Samurai Warriors version is depicted like this:

Nobunaga-sw4art

He also flies around while attacking things with his darkness-infused sword.

So obviously, historical accuracy is not high on the developer’s priority list. However, the appearances of the characters themselves, while bold and stylized, had a cohesive and of-its-time look to them. That all changed with Samurai Warriors 4 and its new character, Koshōshō.

Koshosho-sw4

Now I don’t have a huge problem with the outfit itself, since there are more offensive things elsewhere in the series. The problem is the hair.

Magic swords and capes and flying? Sure.  

Combination perm(?) and dye job? Immersion lost.

No other characters in the series have hair as impossible as hers. She looks ridiculous by herself, but she looks even more outlandish when compared to the rest of the cast. Note: The guy with the giant fan is wearing a wig.

samuraiwarriors

Thankfully, it looks like she has a DLC outfit that tames her improbable curls but doesn’t fix her improbable dye job:
 
Koshosho_Special_Clothes_(SW4II_DLC)

So my one item makeover would be to go the extra mile and change her hair color to a more natural tone so that she doesn’t look quite so out of place in a game filled with traditional Japanese people:

Koshosho_black

Guilty Gear Xrd’s New Looks

My friend convinced me to pick up a copy of Guilty Gear Xrd (pronounced”ecks-erd” apparently); the latest installment of the Guilty Gear fighting game franchise. After finally figuring out how to pronounce the title, I jumped into the game and decided to check out some of the new additions to the roster.BridgetspriteaniThe series is renowned for its crazy character designs; most famous is probably Bridget from a bounty hunter boy cross-dressing as a nun complete with yo-yos, wheelie-shoes, a giant handcuff belt, and a possessed teddy bear that sounds like a demonic Barry White. Unfortunately he’s not in this game, so Arc System Works created some new characters for us to be confused by.

Guilty Gear Xrd‘s New Characters


Bedman-ggxrd-artwork

 

Bedman

First up we have Bedman. I’m not sure what I expected when I saw his name, he’s literally exactly as advertised. Usually I wouldn’t consider someone’s bed part of their attire, but he seems permanently attached to this one so I’ll make an exception. You would think that if you rode around in your bed all day, you’d opt for a softer-looking mattress, maybe even a Tempur-Pedic. The crazy wheeled spikes, crowned head, and giant hand seem to give off a menacing “don’t mess with me” vibe that conflicts with  hospital gown “I’m an invalid” vibe.

Also confusing are the screws inserted into his shoulders and the pronounced arrow on his forehead pointing at his face. I’m seriously not picking up whatever cards he’s putting down. I thought after seeing him in action I would understand him more, but his win quotes only make me more confused.
 
ramelethal

Ramlethal Valentine

There are so many things happening in this design I don’t even know where to begin. Actually, I’ll begin with the thing that seems the most normal: her coat. As seen in the start to this video, it’s really some sort of mouth complete with saliva and those spikes at the edge seem to be teeth that she uses in her attacks. The demonic balls with teeth and bat wings that hold her swords actually join together and can actually talk. The coat offers some modesty, but underneath she’s basically wearing the shortest of short-shorts and a belt over her chest. Complete with some random belts on her thighs because hey, it’s Guilty Gear.

The Valentine characters in Guilty Gear all seem to have animal-themed hats and Ramlethal’s cat hat isn’t the most offensive, but that doesn’t mean I like it. In fact, I’ve noticed that a large number of Guilty Gear characters have ridiculous headgear. I’ve already touched on the ridiculousness of Millia’s license plate hat, but there are even more heinous examples.

I’m not sure if anyone will ever top Faust’s choice of headgear which I’m assuming he got straight out of the Derelicte catalog: faust

Op Ed | Why I Don’t Care for Hats

Unlike my fellow reviewers, I have a deep rooted dislike for most hats/headgear in video games.

But why do I hate them so? Well, reason #1 is that I think most hats are ugly. I realized recently that my brain uses hair and eyes first for facial recognition and hats often get in the way of that (giant sunglasses too, but that’s for another day).

fedoraguy

Reason #2 is that some people tend to give too much weight to their hat as a part of their identity. Recent internet trends have pinpointed fedora wearers as being shorthand for socially inept losers. It bothers me that someone would be judged based on their choice of hat. As much as I despise their appearance, people should be judged by the content of their character, not by their type of hat.

That being said, fedoras look ridiculous and you shouldn’t wear them, as seen by Ronan O’Connor (pictured above) from Murdered: Soul Suspect. Sidenote: I’ve been hating on fedoras since before it was cool to hate on them for being uncool. So I hated on them when they were cool? Or something.

Worst Offenders

These are the hats that get in the way of their wearer’s goal or purpose. Also, they look idiotic.

Millia_Rage_GGXrd_portrait

Guilty Gear‘s Millia Rage has the ability to control her hair into any form she wishes. She uses this ability in her attacks by transforming it into wings, swords and fists. In the original game, she wore a sensible headband, but unfortunately forgot her pants at home. In the upcoming sequel, Guilty Gear Xrd (above), she thankfully remembered to put on some leggings but also decided to wear an absurd hat.

Maybe no one told her how hats work. They shouldn’t have multiple belts on them, and they certainly shouldn’t have license plates on them. It’s additionally problematic because it gets in the way of her primary form of attack. Millia was my main back in old Guilty Gear, but I might have to switch characters to avoid looking at her awful headgear.

CharVIII_Irvine

Final Fantasy VIII’s Irvine is the most boring character in a game full of boring characters. He doesn’t do anything! Unless “not shooting someone” counts as doing something. Which I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

I think the developers assumed that we would see his cowboy hat and discern his personality from that, but cowboy hats aren’t like Caps Lock. I’m not even sure what the rest of his outfit looks like. Is he naked? This picture makes it seem that way. I don’t care to find out. Irvine lost me at the hat (and earring).

Link-the-legend-of-zelda-5169124-1024-1804

The Legend of Zelda’s Link is one of the most iconic and popular video game characters around. I’ve never completed a single Zelda game. There are many reasons, but one is that he has the dumbest-looking hat that I’ve ever seen. It looks like a dunce cap that was deflated. I just can’t take him seriously as a warrior. I can’t take him seriously as an anything really. How does it stay on his head!?

I can’t think of a profession where that hat would be acceptable. Flutist? Candlestick maker? Comcast customer service rep? No. Even they would have too much self-respect to wear such a thing.

Acceptable Exceptions

For some reason, certain types of hats don’t get a rise from me. I think it’s those hats which are so pervasive in popular or everyday culture that I’ve grown to accept them.

Baseball caps

Terry-kofXIII

Now obviously, some people rock them better than others, but I’ve always found baseball caps acceptable. They’re comfortable, look fine, and are functional for keeping the sun out of your eyes.  

They’re not super popular with video game characters, but Terry Bogard from Fatal Fury/King of Fighters is one of my all-time favorites due to him being what Japanese developers thought an American was in the early ’90s. Ripped vest? Jeans? Baseball cap? Converse? They’ve got our number. What’s best about Terry is his heavily accented English despite him being a native American. Best showcased in a YouTube video of this fight scene with Terry Bogard soundclips.

D4_Fuka
fuka-wallpaper

Meanwhile, Fuka from Disgaea 4 is rocking a prinny baseball cap to match her baseball bat that she fights with. Makes sense to me.

Wizard/Witch hats

Vps-mithra

Somehow the idea that doing magic requires one of these oversized hats has permeated my mind. Not sure if it was Wizard of Oz or Lord of the Rings or what, but I just can’t hate them. Instead, here is a minor character, Mithra, from Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria. Now proper hat wearing is obviously not Mithra’s forte, but I’m going to let it slide because he needs it. For magic. Or so I’ve been taught.

Vivi_Ornitier

Second is Vivi from Final Fantasy IX. Since neither Jillian nor Erin have finished FFIX, they’ll just have to take my word for it that Vivi is awesome, and I’m glad that he chose an acceptable hat so I can enjoy him without reservation.

Ushanka

League-of-Legends-Arctic-Warfare-Caitlyn-Wallpaper

I’m not sure where my love of these came from, maybe because a Russian exchange student saved me from drowning when I was a child? Whatever the case, I owned one of these from a young age because they look cool to me and also holy moly, are they functional. Need your head and ears kept warm? This bad boy has got you covered.

Pictured above is Caitlyn from League of Legends in her Arctic Warfare skin. Doesn’t that look functional and warm? Caitlyn was actually a nominee for worst hat offenders because her other skins and her default look have terrible, terrible hats. Lucky for her, my appreciation of an ushanka saved her from that ignominious title.